Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Power Trip

My boss went on vacation for a week and left me in charge. She said that I would be covering for her for the next 5 days, and instructed my coworkers to do 'whatever' I said. My eyes quickly glazed over with the thought of all that power. My fellow cube mates, previously my equals, were now the 'small people' I could step on. I was drunk with joy.

It started on a small scale. I asked Rick to get me a cup of coffee, extra hot, no sugar. When he brought it to me, I complained that it was warm, "like fucking bathwater," and threw it in the trash in a fit of rage. He ran back to the kitchen like a little bitch to get me a new one.

Mary kept complaining that she was too tired, and tried to cut corners when she was washing my car. Mary is 58, and I did appreciate the fact that her left hand is crippled with arthritis. She seemed to be in a lot of pain as she clutched the soapy sponge, but that just wasn't going to get her out of her duties. I was really disappointed- I just didn't see the dedication this company needs.

Joe did an okay job picking up my lunch, until I realized he got me Ranch Dressing on my salad instead of the fat-free vinaigrette I had requested. I told him if I wanted an ass as big as his mom's I would probably eat it, but since I didn't, I would have to throw the whole thing in the trash, next to the cold-ass coffee. Joe gave me his lunch and then massaged my shoulders while I ate it. I made sure to eat real slow- like for two hours. Joe kept complaining that his hands were getting tired, and as his thumb rubbed the knot out of my lower back, I wondered if he would get arthritis too, like Mary.

Eventually, my boss came back from vacation, and my power trip was over. I've lost a couple of friendships, but really, I didn't mind. I could never be friends with people who are this incompetent. If I really was the boss, I would fire all three of them- after they picked up my dry cleaning, of course.

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