Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Babies Have Rubber Bones

I think that babies are incredibly cute from a distance. It's when I get up close to them that I get the chills right up my spine- sorry gang, something is just not right about them, and I'll be the first to say it.

First of all, their bones are made of rubber. This makes me squeamish. They drool, constantly, and wave their tiny fist around all bossy-like. I don't like it when people boss me around, and babies do that. It's always, "Feed me, change me, love me, blah blah blah". What, I'm a damn servant now? And don't EVEN get me started on all the shit they need. Why does something so small need a carload of crap? When I have kids, I'm putting them in waterproof gunnysack and calling it a day.

Maybe it's the parents. They always get my expectations up too high. Lies spill from their lips like a waterfall- "he is such a SMART baby", "she just LOVES people", and "he sleeps through the whole night". Really? Your 'smart' baby has been staring at the wall for 2 hours with his toes in his mouth. If that's smart, then I would be afraid to see dumb. And while I admire the fact that your child can sleep through the night, I once passed out in a dirty alley in Mazatlan for 2 days straight during Spring Break 98'- beat that. Or maybe your baby is too busy shitting itself to challenge me, I don't know.

So perhaps there needs to be classes new parents take. Like, "Your Baby Doesn't Have Basic Motor Skills- So It's Probably Not That Smart," or "Stop Talking About Your Baby- We're All Bored to Tears." The final class could be "Just Because You Fucked Each Other and Had a Baby Doesn't Mean I'll Hold The Door Open For Your Mammoth-Sized Stroller as I Walk Into Macy's." Okay, so that's a bit long, but you get my drift. Babies, like zits and flat tires, are an irritating fact of life. Excuse me while I take a birth control pill- maybe I'll take two tonight, just for good measure.


  1. TAlk about fucking hilarious!!!! I loved it!!! I have two kids and I completely fucking agree with you!!!! I'm totally mother of the fucking year!!! I'm like, "My kid says ass, what's your kid say?"

    Thumbs up!

  2. Jeez, everyone at my work had a kid in the last year. Everyday, they're like, "look at my baby, isn't it cute?" Sometimes babies aren't cute. Then I have to lie, and then I feel bad. Stupid babies. Whenever I have a baby, I'm not going to brag. I don't even think I'd even have the right to brag. It's not like I'm the one crapping out a six pound shit machine...