Sunday, February 28, 2010

My Former Roommates

I used to have 3 roommates I lived with, and I hated them all. I have heard that you are supposed to write letters to people that you are angry at in order to vent, but not actually send the letter out. Hopefully posting said letter on a blog doesn't count.

Dear Former Roommates,

Hi, it's me. How are the three of you doing? I am guessing not so good, considering each of you are spawns of Satan. But I thought I'd ask. Oh, and remember when one of you ate half my box of Raisin Bran and thought I wouldn’t notice? Well, perhaps now you have figured out why your Organic Applesauce always disappeared, along with your last copy of ELLE. That was ME.

Becky? What was with you crying all the time over your break-up with Jason, and then trying to comfort yourself with food? Hello, one Jell-O cup is cool, 5 is insane. Apparently you had started dating fat and salt, and while both stayed faithful to you (unlike Jason), I couldn't help but notice the six pounds you put on between April and May.

And Jillian- your constant, never-ending bitching about your job? All of us have jobs, and all of us hate them. Perhaps you would have been happier in the unemployment line, eating stale bread and begging me for money. Of course, I wouldn't have given you any, because I know you were the one who ate the last of my Raisin Bran.

Last but not least, my dear Lindsay. While your part-time job at Blockbuster did seem fulfilling, I couldn't help but wonder what hole in your soul you were trying to fill up with the 7 hours of TV you watched everyday. A Full House marathon? MTV’s Cribs? Another double episode of Law and Order? Why the hell not? God knows you had nothing else to do.

It would have been great if one of you could have just tried to empty the dishwasher once in a while, lock the front door at night, or at least prevented your scuzzy boyfriend from rooting through my purse. Either way, I'm glad I don't have to live with any of you train wrecks anymore.

Oh, and if I've offended you? Please, send me a letter.


  1. I had a roommate who would wake me up at 4 am when I had to work the next morning to ask me to come drink with her. Awesome.

  2. I am sooo glad I am not your former roommate.

    But seriously, BITCHES!