Sunday, February 14, 2010

Ohno? Oh, YES.

I had an amazingly sexy dream last night- the fact that this was on the eve of Valentine's Day is no coincidence- and no, it wasn't about my husband.

In this dream, it's me and the five hottest men on earth- Apolo Ohno, Chad Hedrick, J.R. Celski (all USA), Sven Kramer (Netherlands), and Ivan Skobrev (Russia).

Am I the only one who thinks that speed skating is like sex on ice?

My obsession with speed skating is getting a little out of control. I know that Ivan Skobrev's birthday is February 9th. I know that Apolo used to date Dancing with the Star's Julianne Hough. I cried when J.R. fell in the Olympic Trails and cut his quadriceps to the femur bone with his own skate.


So back to the dream: I was sitting in a lawn chair, center ice. All five of my speed skating wet dreams were racing around the track in a tight-knit group, the sharp blades of their skates cutting through the ice like a hot knife through butter, their muscles rippling, straining, through their shiny spandex suits like gods wrapped in Saran Wrap. And here's the kicker- they weren't racing in the Olympics, no- they were racing against each other for my heart. I was the gold metal.


Right before the group of them crossed the finish line, all five of them gliding to the end like magnificent birds, my dream world and reality collided when I felt my husband throw his arm over my shoulder and give it a squeeze. "Morning, honey," he said. "Happy Valentine's Day."

I bolted upright in bed. Who won? WHO WON?

My husband stumbled out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I could hear him turning on the lights and running water to start the coffee. "Honey, you want anything to drink?" he shouted from the kitchen.

I sighed and fell back against the pillows in resignation, glancing at the bedside clock. It read 11:23am.

"Vodka," I answered back. "On ice."


  1. Damnit!!!! Well doesn't that just suck balls? I've had similar dreams, only about *clears throat* Jacks from Sons of Anarchy and some unknown sexy biker guy.... Yummmmmmm!

  2. No, kidding! I had a similar dream a couple of nights ago. In my dream, I was a little kid again, and I was begging my parents for Chipotle. When they finally said yes, I was awoken...not as cool as your dream, but that's okay. I'm really digging your blog!

  3. It sounds like a 5-way tie, which means they get to share you...

  4. Lol I'm worried that you equate speed skating with sex. I hope that is not a time metaphor. I had a dream last night that my boss called me gay. Not as good as your dream. I also had a dream I was in an elementary school play about rabbits and I had forgotten to learn my lines. At least your dreams are relevant, I'm starting to think there might be LSD in my tap water!