Monday, February 8, 2010

Thank You, Ed Hardy

I would like to take a moment to personally thank both Ed Hardy and Affliction for creating clothing that helps women across America identify douchebags.

Before, it was a little harder to tell if you were speaking to/flirting with/fucking a douchebag. If he had frosted tips but a great smile, I would be confused. Wearing sunglasses indoors? Maybe he was recovering from Lasik surgery. Just a tad too tan? Douchebag or spent the day outside building homes for Habitat for Humanity? How in the hell was I supposed to know?

But NOW, now we have not one but TWO clothing lines, both of which only douchebags buy and wear. Ed Hardy sweatshirt? Douchebag. Affliction tee? Douchebag. Ed Hardy ball cap? Douchebag. (Extra douchebag points if the hat is sideways on his head).

These articles of clothing are like giant red stop signs posted directly on these men. Seriously, they would have better luck if they tattooed "Do NOT date me- I'm a huge DOUCHEBAG" directly on their forehead. If you are male, and you purchase either Ed Hardy or Affliction apparel, you are saying:

-I believe that my spray tan, frosted tips, silver ring/watch/bracelet, and Ed Hardy/Affliction shirt makes me a magnet for the ladies.
-I work at Blockbuster/am a bouncer/currently unemployed.
-I do not read newspapers/magazines/books/anything.
-I don't vote/have any real money/know the name of the vice president.
-I enjoy working out/going to the clubs/sleeping/borrowing money from my mom.
-I get confused when people use big words/ask me about my future.

So THANK YOU, EH & A!! Thank you for the warning label. You guys are like the Surgeon General of dating.

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