I hate cooking. And I'm not trying to be the obvious, 'I can't cook' type, like I'm Jessica Simpson, ha ha ha, what's a can opener?!? No, I mean I fucking HATE cooking. H-A-T-E it. If I am on my own, it's tuna straight out of the can, with Jack Daniels on the rocks. I am not kidding- I had this exact thing for dinner last night.
Which brings us to my husband, who is fucking Jamie Oliver on crack. He just LOVES cooking. Toasted fennel seeds on a salad? Done. Banana bread made from scratch? In the oven. Beef roast marinated in white wine sauce? Child's play.
So we made the agreement that I would grocery shop and he would cook. He gave me this list:
Eggplants (aubergines)- 2 small, 1.5 lbs.
Farfalle, or medium-sized pasta
Marjoram (1/2 teaspoon)
Chicken broth (1 can)
Pine Nuts (1 cup)
"You'll do great, honey," he said, clutching me in a tight embrace, like a parent sending his child off to college.
"What are you making?" I asked, the list clutched in my sweaty palm.
"Farfalle with roasted pork and eggplant."
Christ. If he had said, 'I'm solving a differential equation', I would have been just as confused. I struggled into my coat and left for the grocery store.
For the record, I am not a fan of the grocery store, mostly because it is like a mall but instead of cute clothes you get really boring shit like garbage bags and milk. Yawn.
I started in produce, because the first two items on my list were eggplant (aubergines? WTF?) and basil. He had written two eggplants on the list, but I grabbed one big one and called it good. Basil is basically lettuce, so I grabbed a head of the iceberg kind and moved on.
Farfalle, or medium-sized pasta? Um, it's called spaghetti, honey. Apparently I married some type of preppy food snob without realizing it. I grabbed three boxes of spaghetti, because it's always good to have some extra in the cupboards in case you want to make butter noodles (butter + noodles = DELICIOUS).
1/2 teaspoon of Marjoram? What, I speak Greek now or something? What is marjoram? Sounds like something I could just ignore....Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush broke up?!?! My grocery cart came to a screeching halt in front of the magazine stand. I thought he was going to propose after winning the Super Bowl?! I added the gossip mag to cart, devastated over Kim and Reggie's demise.
Chicken broth and pine nuts? God, I was bored- would this list never end? What, I'm my husband's personal shopper now? I added a six-pack of chocolate pudding to my cart, some Maybelline blush in apricot pink, and an ice scraper. Because if you live in Colorado, every car should have like two of these in the trunk.
At the checkout counter, the cashier asked me if I would like to donate a dollar to some school program. I said yes, because I'm real generous like that. I also threw a pack of gum onto the mix.
My husband was not happy when I got home. He frantically rummaged through the grocery bags. "Where's my pine nuts? Iceberg lettuce is NOTHING like basil." I gave him one of my, 'I did the best I could' looks, and he gave me a hug. He thought it was sweet I tried. Then he grabbed the car keys and went back to the grocery store.
Relieved, I collapsed on the couch with my gossip mag. I bet Kim Kardasian never has to shop for basil.
Quarter Life Whatever
3 years ago