Thursday, March 18, 2010

Census 2010

I got home last night and my husband told me that the 2010 Census arrived. I excitedly ripped open the envelope and settled down at the kitchen table with a glass of wine and a pen. Maybe this is just me, but I think it's pretty exciting telling the government all about you. I mean, they need to know who you are so they know how to spend their money- if the government based their spending in Denver on me alone, you would be able to write blond highlights off on your taxes.

I carefully penned in my name and address, and then the complicated questions began.

1. HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE LIVING OR STAYING IN THIS HOUSE, APARTMENT, OR MOBILE HOME ON APRIL 1, 2010?
Well, technically, my husband and I live in a condo, so this question doesn't really apply to us. So I wrote down 0.

2. WERE THERE ANY ADDITIONAL PEOPLE STAYING HERE APRIL 1, 2010, THAT YOU DID NOT INCLUDE IN QUESTION ONE?
Well, let's see...I hosted Book Club over at my house twice, and had a New Year's Eve party, my sister has been over about what, a dozen times? And then the sink backed up twice and the plumber came over- hm. I wrote down 65, because that seemed about right.

3. IS THIS HOUSE, APARTMENT, OR MOBILE HOME OWNED BY YOU OR SOMEONE ELSE, RENTED, OR OCCUPIED WITHOUT PAYMENT?
My husband owns it, so I put down the third option, because I am certainly not giving him rent. But I didn't want the government to think I was some kind of freeloader, so then I wrote, 'but trust me- I'm earning my keep- if you know what I mean'- and then I added a little winking smiley face.

4. WHAT IS YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER? WE MAY HAVE TO CALL YOU IF WE DON'T UNDERSTAND AN ANSWER.
Yeah, right. They just want to sell my phone number to some telemarketing firm trying to sell me insurance. Nice try, fuckers! (I left this blank.)

5. PLEASE PROVIDE INFORMATION ON EACH PERSON LIVING HERE, BEGINNING WITH THE PERSON WHO OWNS OR RENTS THIS HOUSE, APARTMENT, OR MOBILE HOME. IF THE OWNER OR RENTER LIVES SOMEWHERE ELSE, START WITH ANY ADULT LIVING HERE. THIS WILL BE PERSON ONE. WHAT IS PERSON ONE'S NAME?
God, this was getting boring. Didn't they already ask me this? I wrote, 'Condo owned by my Overlord'- and left it at that.

6. WHAT IS PERSON ONE'S SEX?
Yes, please.

7. WHAT IS PERSON ONE'S AGE AND PERSON ONE'S DATE OF BIRTH? PLEASE REPORT BABIES AS AGE 0 IF THEY ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 1.
Who is this 'person' they keep talking about? And what, the government is harassing me about having a baby now? What, did my mom write this? I wrote, 'when and if my husband and I decide to have a baby- well, that's none of your goddamn business'.

8. IS PERSON ONE OF HISPANIC, LATINO, OR SPANISH ORIGIN?
Please, my husband and I couldn't BE any whiter. The other night we had a conversation about granite counter tops while eating a spring salad garnished with toasted fennel seeds.

9. WHAT IS PERSON ONE'S RACE?
Please refer to question #8, 'toasted fennel seeds'.

10. DOES PERSON ONE SOMETIMES LIVE OR STAY SOMEWHERE ELSE?
I almost wrote, 'sometimes when we fight my husband crashes at his mom's house', mostly because that's fucking hilarious. But the truth is, my husband is adorable and so I wrote, 'the only place my husband lives is in my warm embrace.' I thought the government would appreciate that, with all the sad stuff going on in the world and everything.

Finally finished, I added a couple of my unicorn stickers to the form and sprayed it with Beyonce's newest fragrance, Heat. It smells so good. Now, about that tax refund on my highlights....

12 comments:

  1. And what did you put in the "religion" column? I'm taking a survey and since you seem to like them...EXPLANATION FOR ODD QUESTION BY RANDOM READER: In Sassy's Census post, Quilting in my pyjamas commented that in Australia, where she lives, so many people wrote in "Jedi Warrior" as their religion that it was recognized as an official religion and I thought that was funny.

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  2. OMFG. I can't WAIT to get a gov't survey.

    WV- Thagic.

    It's like a combination of Magic & thyroid. Or magic and thumbs. Like thumb magic.

    Yeah, I'm a little bit drunk.

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  3. Oh man! I filled out my Census form today too! I used to think those things were voluntary, but it says that it was required by law, and I got scared, so I was honest for most of it. Except for the part where they asked me for my number.

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  4. SO. AWESOME.

    And to Chicken's comment - I totally think Jedi Warrior should be a religion. As should Klingon.

    Thanks Chicken for helping me find another hilarious blog!

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  5. Hahaha #3 and #8 were my favies. I'm totally gonna make mine hilarious when I get it. But I'm Canadian... do we get those in the mail? I dunno, if not I'm just gonna make one up and send it. I have some kick-ass Disney Princess stickers hanging around so I'll follow your lead and attach those.

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  6. hi.,can you please put a comment in all my post in my blog?.,i really needed for our I.T fundamental subject.,thank you.,

    god bless!!!

    :D

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  7. I got mine in the mail this past week as well. Haven't even opened it yet. After reading your answers, I think I might have a few drinks and give it a whirl.

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  8. SHUT UP. That is freaking HYSTERICAL. All of your answers are just perfect!! It really irritates me that it says REQUIRED BY LAW on the front. But I guess, actually, it just made it that much more fun to rip to that sucker to shreds! ;)

    Seriously, thanks for starting my Friday off with a laugh.

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  9. Wait. Its required by LAW? So I have to fill it out? Does that mean that I have to fill both of them out? Because its also a law about 1 per household, but they both say "Required by Law" on them...

    I'm confused and I haven't even started yet.

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  10. Yes people, it is required by law. If you don't fill it out, census workers will visit your home in a couple months to get the info needed. But don't think you can hide: If you don't answer the door, they'll ask your neighbors about you.

    My advice: DON'T ANSWER IT. I applied for a census job a month ago, and could really use the money. Thanks ahead of time! :D

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  11. I got mine this week and had forgotten it until I read this post. How fun! I can't wait to get home, open a bottle of pinot gris and get to answerin'!

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  12. Well said, this is effing hilarious! I think they should have made it a bit more fun....added some trivia,color-by-number, a word search? Don't they know we're Americans?

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