I got home last night and my husband told me that the 2010 Census arrived. I excitedly ripped open the envelope and settled down at the kitchen table with a glass of wine and a pen. Maybe this is just me, but I think it's pretty exciting telling the government all about you. I mean, they need to know who you are so they know how to spend their money- if the government based their spending in Denver on me alone, you would be able to write blond highlights off on your taxes.
I carefully penned in my name and address, and then the complicated questions began.
1. HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE LIVING OR STAYING IN THIS HOUSE, APARTMENT, OR MOBILE HOME ON APRIL 1, 2010?
Well, technically, my husband and I live in a condo, so this question doesn't really apply to us. So I wrote down 0.
2. WERE THERE ANY ADDITIONAL PEOPLE STAYING HERE APRIL 1, 2010, THAT YOU DID NOT INCLUDE IN QUESTION ONE?
Well, let's see...I hosted Book Club over at my house twice, and had a New Year's Eve party, my sister has been over about what, a dozen times? And then the sink backed up twice and the plumber came over- hm. I wrote down 65, because that seemed about right.
3. IS THIS HOUSE, APARTMENT, OR MOBILE HOME OWNED BY YOU OR SOMEONE ELSE, RENTED, OR OCCUPIED WITHOUT PAYMENT?
My husband owns it, so I put down the third option, because I am certainly not giving him rent. But I didn't want the government to think I was some kind of freeloader, so then I wrote, 'but trust me- I'm earning my keep- if you know what I mean'- and then I added a little winking smiley face.
4. WHAT IS YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER? WE MAY HAVE TO CALL YOU IF WE DON'T UNDERSTAND AN ANSWER.
Yeah, right. They just want to sell my phone number to some telemarketing firm trying to sell me insurance. Nice try, fuckers! (I left this blank.)
5. PLEASE PROVIDE INFORMATION ON EACH PERSON LIVING HERE, BEGINNING WITH THE PERSON WHO OWNS OR RENTS THIS HOUSE, APARTMENT, OR MOBILE HOME. IF THE OWNER OR RENTER LIVES SOMEWHERE ELSE, START WITH ANY ADULT LIVING HERE. THIS WILL BE PERSON ONE. WHAT IS PERSON ONE'S NAME?
God, this was getting boring. Didn't they already ask me this? I wrote, 'Condo owned by my Overlord'- and left it at that.
6. WHAT IS PERSON ONE'S SEX?
7. WHAT IS PERSON ONE'S AGE AND PERSON ONE'S DATE OF BIRTH? PLEASE REPORT BABIES AS AGE 0 IF THEY ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 1.
Who is this 'person' they keep talking about? And what, the government is harassing me about having a baby now? What, did my mom write this? I wrote, 'when and if my husband and I decide to have a baby- well, that's none of your goddamn business'.
8. IS PERSON ONE OF HISPANIC, LATINO, OR SPANISH ORIGIN?
Please, my husband and I couldn't BE any whiter. The other night we had a conversation about granite counter tops while eating a spring salad garnished with toasted fennel seeds.
9. WHAT IS PERSON ONE'S RACE?
Please refer to question #8, 'toasted fennel seeds'.
10. DOES PERSON ONE SOMETIMES LIVE OR STAY SOMEWHERE ELSE?
I almost wrote, 'sometimes when we fight my husband crashes at his mom's house', mostly because that's fucking hilarious. But the truth is, my husband is adorable and so I wrote, 'the only place my husband lives is in my warm embrace.' I thought the government would appreciate that, with all the sad stuff going on in the world and everything.
Finally finished, I added a couple of my unicorn stickers to the form and sprayed it with Beyonce's newest fragrance, Heat. It smells so good. Now, about that tax refund on my highlights....
Quarter Life Whatever
3 years ago