Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Grocery Store

I hate cooking. And I'm not trying to be the obvious, 'I can't cook' type, like I'm Jessica Simpson, ha ha ha, what's a can opener?!? No, I mean I fucking HATE cooking. H-A-T-E it. If I am on my own, it's tuna straight out of the can, with Jack Daniels on the rocks. I am not kidding- I had this exact thing for dinner last night.

Which brings us to my husband, who is fucking Jamie Oliver on crack. He just LOVES cooking. Toasted fennel seeds on a salad? Done. Banana bread made from scratch? In the oven. Beef roast marinated in white wine sauce? Child's play.

So we made the agreement that I would grocery shop and he would cook. He gave me this list:

Eggplants (aubergines)- 2 small, 1.5 lbs.
Fresh Basil
Farfalle, or medium-sized pasta
Marjoram (1/2 teaspoon)
Chicken broth (1 can)
Pine Nuts (1 cup)

"You'll do great, honey," he said, clutching me in a tight embrace, like a parent sending his child off to college.
"What are you making?" I asked, the list clutched in my sweaty palm.
"Farfalle with roasted pork and eggplant."
Christ. If he had said, 'I'm solving a differential equation', I would have been just as confused. I struggled into my coat and left for the grocery store.

For the record, I am not a fan of the grocery store, mostly because it is like a mall but instead of cute clothes you get really boring shit like garbage bags and milk. Yawn.

I started in produce, because the first two items on my list were eggplant (aubergines? WTF?) and basil. He had written two eggplants on the list, but I grabbed one big one and called it good. Basil is basically lettuce, so I grabbed a head of the iceberg kind and moved on.

Farfalle, or medium-sized pasta? Um, it's called spaghetti, honey. Apparently I married some type of preppy food snob without realizing it. I grabbed three boxes of spaghetti, because it's always good to have some extra in the cupboards in case you want to make butter noodles (butter + noodles = DELICIOUS).

1/2 teaspoon of Marjoram? What, I speak Greek now or something? What is marjoram? Sounds like something I could just ignore....Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush broke up?!?! My grocery cart came to a screeching halt in front of the magazine stand. I thought he was going to propose after winning the Super Bowl?! I added the gossip mag to cart, devastated over Kim and Reggie's demise.

Chicken broth and pine nuts? God, I was bored- would this list never end? What, I'm my husband's personal shopper now? I added a six-pack of chocolate pudding to my cart, some Maybelline blush in apricot pink, and an ice scraper. Because if you live in Colorado, every car should have like two of these in the trunk.

At the checkout counter, the cashier asked me if I would like to donate a dollar to some school program. I said yes, because I'm real generous like that. I also threw a pack of gum onto the mix.

My husband was not happy when I got home. He frantically rummaged through the grocery bags. "Where's my pine nuts? Iceberg lettuce is NOTHING like basil." I gave him one of my, 'I did the best I could' looks, and he gave me a hug. He thought it was sweet I tried. Then he grabbed the car keys and went back to the grocery store.

Relieved, I collapsed on the couch with my gossip mag. I bet Kim Kardasian never has to shop for basil.


  1. reminds me of one time when I was in high school, at work at a grocery store:
    random panicky looking dude clutching a list: Where's the capers? WHERE ARE THE CAPERS?
    me, not knowing the difference between a caper and toasted fennel seed (wtf?), because clearly, I just work there: I don't know. What's a caper?
    panicky dude: I JUST NEED CAPERS.
    me: well, tell me what they are.
    panicky dude: I..I..I DON'T...I don't actually know. My wife wants them (shoulders slump in defeat)

    We finally found them together, but I think the stress almost did the poor fellow in. And why anyone would want a caper, I don't know. They look trés gross.

    They're often by the pickles, btw, in case your husband ever asks for them.

  2. Can we trade husbands at dinner time? Mine's British, and he eats nasty food out of cans (or "tins," as he calls them). Nasty things like tuna out of the can, with a side of noodles and butter.

    I know what capers are, I can identify different types of basil, I know not to buy pine nuts from China, and I love to eat and yet hate to cook. I also promise not to sexually molest him in any way. Er, unless you're in to that sort of thing. But not with food. Sex with food is just wrong.

  3.'s like you married Emeril...

    You know, before reading this, I thought I was pretty good at cooking, but I realized that most of my cooking involves onions, garlic, and a meat of some sort and a variation of potatoes: mashed, or that chopped up potato dish with cheese...but yeah. Your husband sounds like a pro. Good for you!

  4. I would TOTALLY grocery shop (which I DESPISE) if Hubby cooked like that!!! But he doesn't... So we eat like crap.

  5. I was going to say something else, but I was distracted by the butter noodles. I love butter noodles with lots of black pepper (that makes it fancy!).

  6. I hate looking for stupid crap like that at the grocery store. It takes forever. My aisles mainly consist of the frozen food aisle and the Mexican food aisle.

  7. I do the cooking in our house (I cook 50% of the time; the hubs cooks we eat out often enough) and I grocery shop. I don't trust him. To make it fair - he does the dishes and cleans up. So, I am exceedingly messy in my cooking so he has to clean it. Oh and I thought Reggie was proposing too! I read the tabloids while I cook (um, boiling water counts as cooking, right?)

  8. Do you know what a super fun game would be for you guys? You go buy some things and make him come up with a meal. And you can just buy a magazine and relax while he does the work. You could pitch it Ryan Seacrest over at RSP and make a show out of it and get famous!

  9. SplendidEm: That was MY panicky husband looking for capers. Although, probably not come to think of it. He's much too cool to get panicky. He would just settle himself in by the grapes, nonchalantly munch a few, wait for some Italian Grandmother to come by (because he maintains they are the best cooks), and show her his list and act completely helpless while she runs around completing his shopping and (if he's lucky) sending him home with a nice homemade lasagna since his lazy wife is obviously too selfish to take proper care of him.

  10. Oh and LSLW-great post. Didn't mean to leave you out. Gosh.

  11. I am not a cook either, but don't mind doing the grocery shopping. We generally spend less money when I go shopping. Boyfriend sees ingredients for these intricate meals and ends up buying all this stuff then never cooking it. I stick to the basics like rice, canned goods, milk and cereal!

  12. I've given you the sunshine award!

  13. Holy nutbutter. I think, through this post, I finally understand my husband. Next time, I'll skip the eyeroll and give him a hug. I see now how hard it is. Good job, you.

  14. ...and now I'm ordering a pizza. With pine nuts. I've decided that means pepperoni.

  15. If I were your husband, I would have come back from the extra trip to the store, made a fantastic dinner... and then eaten it all myself while you enjoyed your spaghetti with butter from a bowl. And I would have done it with an evil laugh too.

  16. How sad is that about Kim? What did the mag say? I read somewhere that Reggie and his family just couldn't get past the whole sex tape scandal...