Sunday, March 28, 2010

Homeless = Hot

I saw an incredibly good-looking homeless man yesterday.

I was at an intersection, stopped at a red light, probably on my way to the mall/an organic bakery/pedicure when I spotted him. My jaw hit the floorboards of my 1995 Subaru.

He was, in a word, stunning. His tattered jeans were slouched around his waist, a tiny bit of hip bone setting off the flat, ripped contours of his stomach. His dirty t-shirt magnified his arms, ripped with muscle. His face was a perfect mix of Johnny Depp and Gerard Butler- weathered yet soulful, deep with a hit of child-like youthfulness. His dark hair was tousled and dirty from lack of washing, but dirty in a good way, you know? He looked like the lead singer of some hipster rock band, or an actor in an indie flick, or some type of heroin-addicted model.

Just fucking gorgeous.

I wanted to take him home, bathe him, feed him, and make him mine, but I'm married, so that was out. I quickly ran down the list of single girlfriends I knew. Jannie was into edgy, dark guys- they would be perfect together. She could easily overlook the homeless thing. His cardboard sign even said, "Will work for beer." Ha Ha Ha! He was even funny! What a catch!

I desperately rooted through my purse for my card to give to this gorgeous man, and then the light turned green. Fuck! I stalled for a moment and panicked, until the car behind me honked and I was forced to drive on, my beautiful man lost to me forever.

Depressed, I drove on, knowing I would never see my true love again. Until I passed through that intersection again, of course.


  1. You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
    You're beautiful, it's true.
    I saw your face in a crowded place,
    And I don't know what to do,
    'Cause I'll never be with you

    LSLW-I think that was Jesus you saw. Jesus Christ Superstar.

  2. When I was a teen my Grammy would look at the posters on my wall of Kurt Cobain, Johnny Depp and Anthony Kiedis, shake her head and say "Why would you want someone who looks like their homeless?"

    As a product of the 90's I can relate.
    Homeless can be hot, just check the teeth before you start going steady.

  3. Are you sure he wasn't just the front man of some indie garage band? I tend to mistake those for the homeless.

  4. Did you at least give him a dollar? You should have at least done that.

  5. You know, a hot homeless guy is at least better than a hot gay guy. I mean, if you're a woman and you're trying to get with either of them, my guess is that you'd do better with the hot homeless.

    Wonder what kind of work he'd be willing to do for a beer? Because I got a case that's frosty and cold!

  6. Um, I'm pretty sure you're talking about my boyfriend. That smelly, trench coat wearing, brown paper bag carrying hot piece of homeless ass is all mine so stay away.

  7. You never see a hot hobo lady these days...that's saddening to me.

  8. My husband calls them "Skinny Dying Fuckers." My type, apparently. And no, the Spouse Sparrow is not one, hence his issues.

  9. This is hysterical. Love it. I'm partial to the homeless hottie myself. You're not alone.

  10. Dirty hair, in a good way....okay....

  11. please pick him up and bring him to me. i need a pet man. he sounds perfect!

  12. It's times like those we have camera phones for. And it's always a miss because of time limits. Damn the time limits!

  13. your profile picture is pure awesomeness.