Thursday, March 25, 2010

Me, Nick, & Joe

If I found a genie lamp and was granted just one wish, anything I wanted in the entire world- I would request a three-way with Nick Jonas and Joe Jonas.

Wouldn't that be awesome?! Me, taking the virginity of two out of the four Jonas brothers?! (Yes, there is a fourth Jonas brother, he's like ten and a bit of a porker.) I could be like, "I fucked half the Jonas brothers." People would want to be my friend just because I would be the Girl Who Had A Three-Way With The Jonas Brothers.
I can imagine me in a job interview: "So, what can you tell us about yourself?"
"Well, I had a three-way with Nick and Joe Jonas."
"Oh my...god....oh wow, you are HIRED!"

Now, I wouldn't include Kevin Jonas in this little gang bang because, if I'm honest, he's the least cute of them. No, I just want Nick and Joe, naked in my bed for about 45 minutes. That's all I would need.

There are a few reasons this would be my genie wish- first of all, they annoy me. They annoy me because they are running around with those purity rings on their left hand, saving themselves for marriage, and their songs are too cutsy. They don't drink, they don't snort coke, they don't DO ANYTHING. You know how when you see a juicy, fresh, wholesome crap apple on the sidewalk, fallen from the tree, you just want to step on it? Because that sound, that CRUNCH, is so satisfying, and so is the feeling of the crab apple buckling under your foot? THAT is why I want to have a three-way with the Jonas brothers.

I know that after the three-way, they would be both hungover (because we would have done rum shots out of each others' belly buttons)and probably feel extremely weird (because I made them kiss each other at one point.) But a couple weeks after this repulsive incident, they would feel raw and honest and REAL. Like they had lived- and that is what I'm after.

Some of you might have asked the genie for oh, say, a million dollars, as opposed to a three-way with the Jonas brothers. But I'll just tape the whole event and then blackmail them with it- so I'll get my three-way AND a ton of cash. As Marie Anntoniette said, I'll have my cake and eat it too.

Assuming your cake is a three-way with the Jonas brothers.


  1. That's effing genius! That'll take that smug look off their assholish faces...damn, pure bastards. They think they're soooo cool...

    Actually, I feel kind of bad for them. What's the point of having all that money and fame and not snorting drugs and killing hookers? I bet they feel all sorts of lost inside...

  2. Scary stuff, Living. Scary, scary stuff.

  3. Just make sure you get this deal locked down with a lawyer, you don't want anyone finding a loop hole.

  4. I may have to stop reading you now.

  5. Despite your scariness, I gave you a blog award. I know you're thrilled beyond belief right now!

  6. Who woulda thunk that a three-way with the Jonas Brothers would've been the BEST EVER wish to ask for? Not me... before this post anyway. But you've convinced me, so now it's a race to the finish and I totally just tripped you. Ha!

  7. #1- Thank crap you commented on my blog b/c if you hadnt. I might not have had the pleasure of reading this tonight. Thank you!!!
    #2- Kevin, is he the old one? Because the old one is ugly..
    #3- Arent these guys like.. 15?? Your a total ped'er'ass.

    #4-I like it, all of it.
    Because that all sounded like fabulous sticky fun. For some reason I picture the Jonas brothers bringing syrup, or some sticky food, into this 3some.. mmmmm....

    I look forward to reading more of your blog!

  8. Am I the only one who thinks they are secretly screwing like minks all over the place with hookers they kill so they can't talk and ruin the image?

    Seriously. People who are that pure frighten me, and I truly believe it hides a well of deep, deep evil.

    Really? Just me?

  9. This is pretty much brilliant. I mean honestly I wish I would have thought of it sooner. Do you need someone to run the camera, I'll go halvsies when you get your bags of cash.