Sunday, March 21, 2010

Mom: Bearer of Gifts

I really, really, love my mom. She is super loving, supportive, and and wonderful person. I'm really, really, lucky to be her daughter.

Until she gives me a gift.

Now, I really don't want to come off as ungrateful, because she did give me the ultimate gift- life. And for that I am eternally grateful- but c'mon, Mom, a fucking Dream Catcher for my 21st birthday? Christ!

For Christmas, I'll get a variety of stress-reliving CDs, a family-size pack of dried fruit, and a forest-green mock turtleneck. My sister will unwrap some cinnamon-flavored incense, a pair of Isotoners, and a silver bolo tie. My dad will get about eight Cosby sweaters and sunscreen. It's like she went into a Costco or Sam's Club blindfolded.

When my husband joined the family, he got a lot of rocks. Like, literally, rocks. He's a geologist and actually adores.....rocks.
"Thanks, Mom!" He says enthusiastically, opening his third piece of granite while my sister is strangling herself with the bolo tie under the Christmas tree and Dad has disappeared under his mountain of argyle.
"No problem," Mom says, and gives him a big hug. I can see her smirking at me over his shoulder and then she says to me, "If you're lucky, honey, YOU might get rocks next year."
That's another one of her tricks. She loves to pit us against each other for these gifts. And somehow, it occasionally works.
"Why did Dad get a rope light and I didn't?" I whined, drunk on eggnog and Captain Morgan- a lethal combination. And by the way, rope light is just what you think it is- a rope of twinkle lights. It's pretty much the dumbest thing on earth.
"Well," Mom says settling down on the couch. "We don't always get what we want, do we?" My husband was stacking his rocks on top of each other, and my sister was officially passed out, the bolo tie now a noose around her neck.

The kicker out of all this is that Mom always gets great gifts- Coach purses, silk robes, European fragrances. She always thanks us, and then these items disappear into the back of her closet, never to see daylight again. I definitely know how the Indians felt when they got a case of liquor in exchange for the state of Kansas.

Maybe I need to switch it up- get Mom the same random shit she is distributing off on us. A toothpick holder in the shape of a wolf, a scarf the color of vomit, 3-pack of deodorant. You know, the basics.

Looks like me and Captain Morgan are going to need to make a Costco run.

16 comments:

  1. Ha ha, my dad is the same way. I have a large, solid white bunny made of some kind of rock-like material with glued-on pink eyes. And a mini sewing machine with a clock built into it. :)

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  2. Oh man, I am the terrible gift giver in my family. But I get so excited every year and think my gifts are amazing...but then they really aren't.

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  3. Methinks it's time to request the cash straight up.

    Or perhaps a gift certificate? That might be a risky move though, because you might end up with a certificate to somewhere super random like a gas station or Hallmark.

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  4. Thank you for comment.Yes most of the Californian cities don't have snow in winter. I like Californian weather.

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  5. Thanks for visiting my blog... Yours totally cracked me up, especially the pre psychopath childhood complete with animal torture... luckily you dodged that bullet. Right? No, seriously, you did, right?

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  6. Ummmm You kid of rock. Am def adding you to my blog roll, as you are officially required reading

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  7. At least your Mom supplies egg nog and rum so that you can get drunk while you enjoy your terrible gifts. At our ancestral home there is cocoa, homemade (lethal) wine, and miller lite. We get to enjoy our gifts sober.

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  8. I think I may have to start giving my kids these sorts of gifts just cuz it is funny....:0) The day after Christmas I'll give them better gifts.

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  9. COOOOOOOOOOsby Sweaters!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8L6INXgL-e8

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  10. Last Christmas, Merkin's mom got us a bunch of these Korean kid's show DVDs.

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  11. I've lived in Kansas for awhile now...the Indians got a good deal.

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  12. Thank you for the comment in www.teaorchai.blogspot.com. I drink two cups of tea. Once in a while 3 cups. Take care.I don't recommend anyone more than that, though it depends on amount too.

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  13. My mom's usually pretty good about giving gifts, but there's always that one thing that I unwrap and think "Has this woman met me? Ever?"

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  14. Receiving bad gifts from parents builds character!

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  15. Go to the dollar store. This past christmas I was given a miniature 12-piece screwdriver set from the dollar store because "you just never know."
    I also got an assortment of cotton balls, hand lotion, tissues, miniature lint rollers, and socks.

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  16. So true. And there is just no convincing a woman that you have no need at the moment for a "feedbag"...because in her world, EVERYONE needs a feed bag.

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