Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Branson, Missouri- Your Next Vacation Spot

Has anybody else seen the commercials for Branson, Missouri?

Known as the "Live Music Show Capital of the World," Branson, Missouri, is truly a one-of-a-kind family vacation destination- AND an incredible value!
Branson has more than 50 live performance theaters, three pristine lakes, 12 championship golf courses, an international award-winning theme park, AND dozens of attractions and museums!
Branson has a Historic Downtown district, great shopping, a full range of dining options, AND a host of hotels, motels, resorts, RV parks, campgrounds, and meeting conference facilities!
Visit Branson- no passport needed!

Oh, GOD.

First of all, I have never heard of Branson. I've heard of Missouri- that's one of the mid-west states, right? But Branson?! They want me to vacation in Branson?!?

First of all, describing your vacation destination as a place that has "an award-winning theme park" and "a host of RV parks" is not appealing. Not. Appealing. Think about it- does Paris ever have to point out that they have plenty of "conference facilities"?! Of course Paris doesn't have to do that. Because Paris is cool.

I really don't want to be rude to Branson. I'm sure the people there are very nice. But fuck, if I have a choice between Branson and oh say, Barcelona- I'm going to Barcelona. Adios, Branson.

Is it the hot new budget-friendly spot? I couldn't help that notice Branson is advertising itself as an 'incredible value'. Funny, because the package on the 3-pack of tampons I just bought at Costco also described themselves as an 'incredible value'. I guess Branson, like my tampons, absorbs unfertilized human waste.

(Did I just write that? God, I'm good.)

Branson mentions that you can visit this amazing place, "no passport required". Right, because god forbid any American actually spends $60 for a passport and expands his/her horizons experiencing another culture. Why discover Tokyo when you could go to a titty show in Branson, followed by an all-you-can-eat buffet? Branson it is!

I was being a little facetious before when I mentioned that I wasn't familiar with Missouri- I was actually born in Hannibal, Missouri- birth place of Mark Twain. I wonder if Mr. Twain ever went to Branson?

I hear they have some great amusement parks there.


  1. For the love of God, whatever you do, do NOT go to Branson. I have been to Branson. It is the slightly more worldly cousin of Eureka Springs, and if you are unfamiliar with Eureka Springs, STAY THAT WAY. Retain your innocence as long as you can.

    Also, no way Branson has any titty bars. I believe it is under the control of the evangelicals. I'm not even sure you can drink there.

  2. You notice they don't mention "country music"? That's because "no passport required" is code for "COUNTRY MUSIC, 24/7, YEE HAR!"

    You have been warned.

    And that "absorbs unfertilized human waste" thing? Strangely enough you will find yourself thinking "Did your mother have any children that lived?" every time you have to talk to someone.

  3. You've never heard of Branson? That's were all us poor people from Oklahoma vacation. Okay, all of us poor Oklahoma's over the age of 55. They have lots of Grand Old Opera type country (think 1970's country not Kellie Pickler country). And buffets. And lots of Jesus. But no titty shows, I'm afraid. As for the comment on Eureka Springs... that is where I honeymooned. It is quite lovely. If you are 6 months preggers when you honeymoon and can't do anything fun like get drunk on a cruise. So, yeah, us hicks like our Branson and our Eureka Springs. But honestly, if I could ever vacay in Paris or Tokyo or somewhere with actual culture I would.

  4. Branson is the home for two water places, two animal places, three lakes and twelve championship golf courses. The Silver Dollar City, The Haunted House and Monster Asylum are good attractions for visitors.

  5. Missouri? Hm, nope. Don't think I've ever heard of it.

    But now that you mention titty shows, I'm booking my vacay now! (No passport needed!)

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  7. Branson, huh? It's the live musical capitol of the world?! That's intense! AND it has an award winning theme park? Time to grab my passport! Wait! I don't need my passport! Branson is such a magical sounding place!

  8. Damn, how bad could Roxanne and Lorraine's comment be that YOU would remove it? I am trying to think of something that you would be offended by.

  9. As tempted as I am to perpetuate my own badass image, I really just double posted and deleted one. 'Cause no one likes a double post.

    There goes my reputation.


  10. Anonymous,
    I NEVER NEVER NEVER erase any comment. I adore comments, good and bad. I love the freedom people have on blogs to write whatever they want.


  11. Damn, you are good.

    First time this girl has guffawed at the mention of a tampon as 'unfertilized waste'.


  12. Oh Branson...so many childhood memories.

    While you're there, don't forget to check out that old yuckster mainstay, Yakov Smirinov. (In the US, you can catch a cold. In Soviet Russia, cold catches you!)

    Never had the chance to myself. Darn...

  13. Can you please be on twitter now and entertain me all day? Please confirm when you have completed this assignment. Thank you.

  14. Bumtee is real funny. I just got in trouble for laughing too loud at work. I'll show them, though. I am going to roll through Branson on the way to my next field job.


  15. Chris is actually Matt...you know, your husband?