Ugh, I shouldn't write about this, because it really doesn't put me in the best light- but I hate to shower.
I realize that saying you hate to shower is about as repulsive as it gets. And mind you, I didn't say I DON'T shower- I just said I hate it. Like I hate hiking (boring) or working late (yuck) or social conservatives (bigots).
For most people, showering is probably a fun, happy, ordeal full of bubbles and warm water and relaxation. For me, it's a torture chamber of awkward shaving, soap in my eyes, and creepy prune hands. Am I watching Saw II?
Getting me to shower is a three step process.
1. Husband says, "When's the last time you showered?"
2. I say, "Last night." (A lie.)
3. Husband says, "I think you should shower."
Ugh, the PROCESS. Shampoo, conditioner, apply shave gel, shaving, soap, weird loofah brush- jeez, Alcoholics Anonymous has less steps. And unlike AA, I don't always come out clean.
"Did you use soap on your armpits?" My husband asks, accusingly.
"Um...yes?" (Another lie.)
"Get back in there."
A couple weeks ago I was using Febreze Air Freshener on my couch cushions, and for good measure, I sprayed myself down as well. The label on the bottle said "eliminates odors and freshens fabric, carpet, and air", and I figured, well, I'm wearing fabric, breathing air, and the carpet? Well, that's just a really obvious obscene joke I'm not going to even bother with.
"You smell so good!" My friend Kristin greeted me with a big hug and a compliment, and I thought, wow- Febreze does work. Eat my dust, Soap! (No pun intended.)
The downside of replacing showering with Febrezeing is, well- it's really weird, and also- people start to catch on.
"You smell like a wet dog trapped in a Glade factory," my sister said, which was pretty rude. It was also the truth. I broke down and took a shower that night, after 5 days and 4 nights of Febrezeing my rotting, putrid, dirty body down. Finally clean, I wrapped a towel around myself and stepped outside of the bathroom.
"Did you use soap on your armpits?" My husband asks- again.
Quarter Life Whatever
3 years ago