Monday, May 17, 2010

Scent of a Woman

Ugh, I shouldn't write about this, because it really doesn't put me in the best light- but I hate to shower.

I realize that saying you hate to shower is about as repulsive as it gets. And mind you, I didn't say I DON'T shower- I just said I hate it. Like I hate hiking (boring) or working late (yuck) or social conservatives (bigots).

For most people, showering is probably a fun, happy, ordeal full of bubbles and warm water and relaxation. For me, it's a torture chamber of awkward shaving, soap in my eyes, and creepy prune hands. Am I watching Saw II?

Getting me to shower is a three step process.

1. Husband says, "When's the last time you showered?"
2. I say, "Last night." (A lie.)
3. Husband says, "I think you should shower."

Ugh, the PROCESS. Shampoo, conditioner, apply shave gel, shaving, soap, weird loofah brush- jeez, Alcoholics Anonymous has less steps. And unlike AA, I don't always come out clean.

"Did you use soap on your armpits?" My husband asks, accusingly.
"Um...yes?" (Another lie.)
"Get back in there."

A couple weeks ago I was using Febreze Air Freshener on my couch cushions, and for good measure, I sprayed myself down as well. The label on the bottle said "eliminates odors and freshens fabric, carpet, and air", and I figured, well, I'm wearing fabric, breathing air, and the carpet? Well, that's just a really obvious obscene joke I'm not going to even bother with.

"You smell so good!" My friend Kristin greeted me with a big hug and a compliment, and I thought, wow- Febreze does work. Eat my dust, Soap! (No pun intended.)

The downside of replacing showering with Febrezeing is, well- it's really weird, and also- people start to catch on.

"You smell like a wet dog trapped in a Glade factory," my sister said, which was pretty rude. It was also the truth. I broke down and took a shower that night, after 5 days and 4 nights of Febrezeing my rotting, putrid, dirty body down. Finally clean, I wrapped a towel around myself and stepped outside of the bathroom.

"Did you use soap on your armpits?" My husband asks- again.

Fuck!

14 comments:

  1. LOL! What a great post!!! I can't agree with you more though! Showering is so annoying. I too, shower, but it is such a chore. Then after showering you have to deal with all the towels and have to wash them...such a viscious cycle! I applaud you for your honesty! I really enjoy reading your blog...glad I found it!

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  2. Ugh, showering is the worst. I avoid it as often as possible. Have you used baby powder on your hair? It makes you look like you actually washed your hair! It can give you a good 3-5 days with no showering and people will barely even notice.

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  3. "wet dog trapped in a glade factory" is a tremendous line. Great post. But, hang on a minute.... did you use soap under your arms?

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  4. LSLW, I love showering. I could spend all day in warm water. What I hate is the expectation that AFTER the shower you will do certain things, such as dry off, moisturize, comb your hair, blow dry your hair, put on makeup and clothes. I hate it all. It is so time consuming. I do find that the showering process works best when combined with the AA process because when in recovery you have to find a way to fill all those empty non-drinking hours, anyway, so you might as well primp. Personally, I've declared Sundays "No Shower" days. I miss the warm water but at least I don't have to comb my hair or get dressed. I hadn't thought of Febreze. I love the lavender/vanilla scented one. Thanks for the tip.

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  5. That's hysterical.

    Now, go shower.

    Seriously.

    Wash behind your ears.

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  6. My best friend is the same way. Of course she says that showering makes her psoriasis worse, but whatev.

    You could always use hand wipes, eh?

    Loved this post.

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  7. Agreed. Somedays the prospect of getting up, showering, styling my hair and putting on makeup are just too much. I'd be a horrible drag queen.

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  8. I always hate the process of getting to the shower, like

    1. tell self to shower
    2. walk ALL THE WAY to the bathroom
    3. turn on water
    4. make sure water is correct temperature
    5. undress
    6. get a towel
    7. put towel somewhere reachable from shower
    8. turn on bathroom fan thing so mirrors don't fog up
    9. get in

    but after that AHHHH I LOVE SHOWERING AND NEVER WANT TO GET OUT

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  9. you should see how many steps it takes me to get dressed

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  10. While I absolutely love showering,(read love standing naked while scalding hot water pours over my body), I LOATHE washing my hair, and normally only do so after Carl has smelled my head mid-snuggle/make-out and tells me "Your head smells like a head" which is code for "Your hair is greasy and smells like disgusting, and if you ever want to have sex again you should probably go take care of that"

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  11. I do hate the shaving part of showering. However, since I've started waxing, the need to shave has almost been eliminated. Sure, I have to grow my body hair for a month before hand, but the disgusted look on my sister's face when I "accidentally" lift my arm while wearing a tank top makes it completely worth it.

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  12. I feel your pain

    Normal shower experience for moi results in, freezing and/or scalding water from my demon possesed water heater, soap (see also acid) in the eyes, and of course busting my ass on the tiled floor to finish the whole process up (you'd think I'd invest in a bath mat).

    And the hair washing...recently I read in a fashion mag that shampooing your hair everyday was bad, you should let the natural oils build up for a shiney 'coat'. Which I of course took to mean --> when it starts to look like spaghetti, put it up in a pony tail wait a few days then wash it.

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  13. I just wish I would never have to shower. Or at least not wash my hair. It's wet and clingy and annoying and semi-curls and bleh before it dries and the whole process is a bitch.

    I totally understand you, altough I hate smelling bad more than most things so I shower.. every other day.

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  14. I love showering within a reasonable time frame: 10 minutes, in-n-out.
    I am forever mystified by how some people can stay in the shower for 30 minutes and emerge without even having washed their hair.

    What are they doing in there? Reading a laminated copy of the brothers karamazov?

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