Sunday, May 9, 2010

There's a Pill for That

I just LOVE abusing prescription drugs.

I realize some people might not find that very cool, but those are the people that aren't rolling Prozac. Because if you're on Prozac, EVERYTHING is cool.

Mind you, nothing is actually wrong with me- nothing obvious, anyway. I abuse prescription drugs because it's the incredibly hip thing to do. Everybody and their mom in Hollywood does it- like when the hot young starlet pulls a bottle Ritalin out of her Gucci clutch and passes it around at da' club- so sexy.

Coke is too 80's, alcohol is too 90's, pot isn't elegant- but prescription drugs? That's what It Girls take- right before they go on stage/act in an indie film/make love to a rock star/shop.

The key to getting your hands on the stuff is to A) Lie, and B) Have Multiple Doctors. The rest is easy.

Me: "I'm depressed."
Doctor #1: "You're depressed?"
(Of course I'm not depressed. I am way, way, too shallow to actually feel any real human emotion- clearly Doctor #1 doesn't know me at all. Depression to me when I find a skirt I like at Nordstrom and they don't have my size.)
Me: "Yes. I am VERY depressed."
(Read- Prozac makes me lose weight, and I really, really, want Kate Bosworth's emaciated body- you know Kate Bosworth, right? She looks like ET, in that scene where the government catches him, and he's all white in that coffin incubator? THAT'S the weight I want to be at.)

Me: "I'm having panic attacks- I think I need Xanax."
Doctor #2: "You're having panic attacks?"
(Yes, I'm having panic attacks. When I don't have Xanax, I panic. Cue laughter.)
Me: "HUGE panic attacks."
(Read- Popping a Xanax is like downing a six-pack of beer- without the calories!)

Me: "I can't concentrate."
Doctor #3: "You can't concentrate?"
(I can concentrate, but only on stuff like gossip magazines, episodes of The Real Housewives of New York, gorgeous jeweled sandals, and devising a plan to make Christian Bale fall in love with me. I can't concentrate on stuff like my job, paying bills, nurturing healthy relationships with my husband/family/friends, or living in reality.)
Me: "Nope. Can't concen- what did you say again?"
(Read- Adderall is a psychostimulant that makes me sharp as a tack- with it, I can shop for 12 hours straight- without stopping. Thanks for calling, Visa, but no, my credit card wasn't stolen.)

I told my coworker how awesome Ambien is as a sleep aid, and she goes, "I would NEVER get on anything like that- I would be afraid I'd get addicted."

Oh, okay, so this evening you enjoy a boring night's sleep, and meanwhile, in MY dreams I'll be flying across space on a unicorn's back. Apparently, some people are too good for prescription drug abuse. What, you want a gold medal? And by the way, getting addicted IS the whole point- duh.

Eventually I'll have to stop, and get my highs naturally- through really lame shit like eating right, exercising, and maintaining healthy relationships.

Until then, I'll just find a pill for that.


  1. Yep good ol prescriptions....i am a canadian living in thailand and the best part about this country? no need for a prescription for xanax, valium, tramadol, ritalin...pretty much anything! oh and xanax costs $3.00 for 10 pills here....i can never go back home!
    after i write this i am going to go chop a line of ritalin and be a most intense blogger for the next 12 hours ...while staying fit cause who needs food when you have ritalin am i right?

  2. This is marvellous stuff. And available without a prescription!

  3. Followed a twitter link from Mr LS above... I shall be returning ;)

  4. I think I have all of those symptoms too.........

  5. If the celebrities are doing it, then it's only normal. Duh.

  6. I've been considering developing an addiction for some time now. I truly appreciate the blueprint. I was not willing to invest the time in figuring out how to get addicted and what to get addicted to.

    Crap. I'll probably be horrible at this.

  7. Wait, what? Prozac makes you skinny? I'm going to the doctor this afternoon...mental note - act really sad.

  8. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this level yet. I think I'll stick to my Nyquil cocktails for now.


  9. Well I must be taking my Prozac wrong, cause it is doing nothing for my weight! Wait there is a pill for that!

  10. Just don't take any pills for deepness, ok? This is genius. They probably don't have those pills, though. The only people who would want them are people who are already deep, am I right? Of course, if they give you Kate Bosworth's body....

  11. "Too shallow to actually feel any real human emotion."- Check.

    In fact, my friends call it the shallow and souless disease. Hizah!

  12. I just called my doctor and made an appointment

  13. Ha! I never saw the allure of prescription drugs until I was hospitalized for kidney stones last summer. I left with a prescription for percocet and WOWIE! I finally understood how people could get addicted to that shit. In fact,I have a couple I've been saving for a rainy day- I think I'll go pop one now- To yer health!