Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dating Scene Amnesia

I didn't meet my husband until I was in my thirties, which means my twenties were comprised of dating- lots and lots of dating. I remember the hardest part wasn't meeting men- it was keeping track of them all. When you're single, your life is comprised of two things: getting drunk and hooking up. Which means things get confusing sometimes.

One of my friend's phones rang the other day.
"Oh, god, Mick is calling me," she moaned, staring at the cell phone screen.
"Who's Mick?" I asked.
"Um..." her brow furrows. "I think it's that guy I hooked up with at that bar last night- I don't think I liked him."
"You mean Mike?" I questioned. "And we weren't at a bar last night. We were at a house party."
"His name is Mike? Oh, god- what did I drink last night?!"
I took the cell phone from her and scrolled down her list of guys she meet while drunk and exchanged phone numbers with- Joosn, aadammmm, Rrn, and Mick where all in there. Somebody shouldn't text while drinking.
"I have a date with Max tonight," she said.
"Matt- his name is Matt," I replied.

I have another friend who was making out in her bedroom with a new guy, and he noticed a used condom on her floor. He froze mid-kiss.
"Um....whose is that?"
"Hmm...?" She looked over to where he was pointing at. "Oh- that isn't yours?"
"No." Stony silence.
Apparently, used condoms are like snowflakes- no two are alike. My friend quickly back-pedaled.
"One of my girlfriends- she- spent the night over here- because her place is getting painted- and brought home a guy- I was passed out on the couch- 'cause I was drunk- from- drinking- and-"
"Okay." Apparently he had shrugged and returned to the making out, which means he either didn't care or actually bought it.

I have another girlfriend who is dating three men- all named Brian. So it's Brian Red Shirt (because that's what he was wearing on their first date), Brian With The Weird Friend (because his friend is really, really, odd) and Brian Bad Idea (because he's an asshole).
"Ugh. Brian Red Shirt wants to go out tonight, but I made plans with Brian Bad Idea," my friend complained over the phone to me.
"I thought you were breaking up with Brian Bad Idea," I replied. "Plus, you know my favorite is Brian With The Weird Friend- he's super cute."
"I know, but he has that weird friend," she countered.

My idea? We need some type of website tracking system- like:

Greg Greggory
Met At:
Megan's Birthday Party (80s theme)
His Info:
Computer Programmer, kind of looks like Kevin Spacey, tall-ish, did a really funny impersonation of his mom, has a roommate (yuck).
You two met for drinks four days after Megan's party and he wasn't quite as funny as you remember but did tell you he liked your shirt and paid for the drinks so maybe he gets one more date before pulling the ripcord?

This would solve a bunch of confusion issues and end awkward used-condom encounters. And I could get that guy, the graphic designer with the blondish hair that my friend is dating- to create the website.....damn, what is his name?


  1. I believe that everyone has dated at least one "Brian Bad Idea." I love that.

  2. I have a friend like this... its so ridiculous!

  3. That's good stuff.

    THREE guys named Brian? Wow.

  4. It's the worst when you don't even recognize the person you hooked up with until halfway through a conversation with them.

    Totally awkward.

  5. YES. You and your friends need a tracking device for all these men! This is the greatest idea of all time. :o)

  6. Heh. What a great post to remind me how nice it is to not be dating anymore.
    P.S. My wife denies it, but I'm not totally convinced that I wasn't my wife's token Bad Idea guy for a while before I wore her down, used her exhaustion against her, and convinced her to hitch her wagon to my star.

  7. Now I don't feel so bad about using a fake name while out drinking.

  8. No one should ever date multiple people with the same name. That's masochistic in the extreme.

    But I understand, I'm cursed with the name Sean. Seans follow me everywhere.

  9. this sort of goes hand in hand with my idea that people should have (readily available) dating resumes and letters of reference to hand to everyone they have an interest in. sort of like, "experience: april 2007-may 2007 - jason 'sling' thompson. tattoo artist, musician. entered relationship at bar. ended relationship in his truck with i found panties not belonging to me. excellent communication, improved skill wielding knife in tire-slashing manner."

  10. But then wouldn't she need a very patient secretary to enter all that data while she's out gettin' drunk and hooking up with all the Brians? Is Brian's weird friend a good typist? Maybe he'd do it for free cheese doodles.

  11. There's a bonus to making sure that everyone you're banging has the same never scream out the wrong thing. There are a few guys I slept with that should have dated more Ellys.

  12. Ha ha. You had a much more exciting single life than I have...
    btw, how does your husband like the Orlando Bloom poster hanging over your bed?

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