Monday, June 21, 2010

The Hooligans

I live in a 30-unit condo unit in downtown Denver. I like living downtown because it gives me major bragging rights. At work, I say things like, "The suburbs?! Oh, I could NEVER live in the suburbs. There's just no culture. My god, aren't you bored?!"

The co-worker I am speaking to, usually a white middle-aged man (probably works in either Data or Finance)with thinning hair and pleated khaki pants (dear god, does he not know that flat-front khakis are like, 100% more slimming?!?) just stares at me. He doesn't mind the fact that I am blatantly insulting his home, because he's staring at my (relatively younger compared to his wife's) tits.

So I go on. "I just really love the grit of living downtown, you know? The people are so much more interesting. I mean, ugh, the suburbs?" I popped my gum and flipped my hair, enjoying the fact that he probably thinks I'm 27 and not 33-(bitches, I use a ton of sunscreen, okay? Don't hate on me).

Well, I got my comeuppance the following night when three hooligans moved in next door. There's one girl and two guys- kind of weird, because it's a one-bedroom condo. Do they all sleep together? Is it a girl/guy couple and the second guy sleeps on the couch, or are the boys together and the girl is on the couch? And their clothes- the guys are in Ed Hardy knock-offs, looking like a mix between Vanilla Ice and Kevin Federline. The girl has more tattoos than Mike Tyson and looks like J-Woww from MTV's Jersey Shore.

"I'm scared," I whispered to my husband, peering through the curtain, watching J-Woww out on the porch scream at somebody on the phone while her two male roommates smoked and stared off into space. It was like watching a really disturbing episode of My Two Dads.

"They're just kids," my husband said, his legs primly crossed, reading the paper and sipping organic coffee. Seriously, look up "effeminate heterosexual" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of him. "Plus, I thought you were really into the 'grit' of living downtown."

"Well, right, but..." What was I supposed to say?! That I was actually repulsed by sketchy-looking 19-year-olds in baggy pants? That I associated tattoos with prison inmates? That when I see people smoking, I automatically think 'throat cancer'? That maybe, deep down inside, I am actually a judgmental conservative housewife with no real grit, no real exposure to anybody other then college-educated corporate pricks? Was I a snob?!?

"I'm going to go introduce myself," I said, snapping the curtains open dramatically. "I will NOT judge a book by its cover." I flung open the door and walked out to the porch. I talked with them, and all three of them were, naturally- extremely nice. They offered me both a cigarette and beer, and as I sat there, drinking and (awkwardly) pretending to smoke, I thought- wow- I was wrong. I was really, really, wrong.

Now I need to go fish my jewelry back out of the flour canister.

14 comments:

  1. Teenagers totally scare me now. More so than Pennywise. I see them and immediately think that they're up to no good. So I stay far far away.

    You're so brave!

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  2. I love my gritty urban neighborhood too. As long as there is a two-square-block buffer of tidy gay homeowners and yuppie families between me and the grit.

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  3. LOL. New neighbours always take a little analyzing before settling with who they are.

    I'm sure they love that you introduced yourself, being young and moving in somewhere usually just means older neighbours staring at you from a distance and then loudly locking the door, tattoos or no tattoos!

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  4. Or they're just buttering you up so they can rob you later on?

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  5. You totally know what two guys and a girl in a one-bedroom in the suburbs is, right? Swingers. No doubt about it.

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  6. I'm sure they are nice. When they knock on your door at 2 am to use the phone because now you're all buds and stuff, you should totally let them in.

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  7. I grew up in armpit-like small towns and moved to the city as soon as I could. I lived in the grit for so many years. Now I live right smack dab in Suburbia. I used to be one of those freaky looking teenagers that most people are afraid of (but was very nice) but apparently I got old.

    Ah well, at least swingers in the 'burbs got more rooms to do it in.

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  8. Love it! You totally hit the nail on the head w/ the "maybe, deep down inside, I am actually a judgmental conservative housewife with no real grit, no real exposure to anybody other then college-educated corporate pricks? Was I a snob?!?" That is my fear exactly.

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  9. I just love the fact that you called them "hooligans." You are my kind of gal.

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  10. Thanks for the tip about pleated khakis. As far as staring at tits, I blame it all on my thick glasses. It just looks like I'm staring. Yeah, right.

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  11. Heh. The hooligans do sound weird. Now you've got me wondering how they manage. Maybe they sleep in shifts, time share style!

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  12. 20 points for the My Two Dads reference! Can I just tell you I'm sitting in an internet cafe and some woman just walked in and started talking to another who told her her was awful frizzy and she looked like a collie?!? I had to tell someone. That didn't go well for you, did it?

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  13. Love to live in a condo unit too.

    Paula M

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