Monday, June 14, 2010

It

I just finished reading It by Stephen King, his very popular 1985 horror novel. The book is definitely scary- it's based around Pennywise, an evil, murderous clown that lives in the sewers of a tiny town in Maine. He lures young children into the gutters, where he rips the limbs off their bodies, feeds on their intestines, and then tosses their bones. While the book was horrific, all I could think of when I finished it was- Pennywise reminds me of my ex-boyfriend.

Seriously. The resemblance is uncanny.

1. Pennywise Lures Children To Their Death With Promises of Candy And Balloons.

Totally. My ex would do this all the time. He would tell me things would be different if we got back together, that he loved me, that we'd stop bickering and arguing and end up in a happy place- a place where we lived under a circus tent that smelled like cotton candy. But then- when you took a bright red balloon from Pennywise/My Ex- you realized that your arm was going to get ripped off, or that you still fought over his mom's control issues.

2. Pennywise Lives In The Sewer.

Sewer? I wish my ex lived in a sewer- his place was far, far worse. Dirty twin bed, roommate with questionable hygiene, no toilet paper in the bathroom- god, his apartment made a homeless shelter look like a four-star hotel.

3. Pennywise Gives People Nightmares.

Oh, god- how many times have I lain awake at night going, Why did he tell me he sees a future with me someday? When is 'someday'? Next week? Next year? And what was that about him not wanting kids....? Like, he really doesn't want kids, or he's just trying to confuse me? Would he be cool with getting a dog?

4. Pennywise's Face Is A Rotting Corpse Behind His Clown Mask.

Actually, I think this is just Pennywise- although sometimes my ex did have bad breath.

5. The Only Way To Kill Pennywise Is To Recognize Your Own Internal Fear And Fight Him With It.

While it's always scary dumping someone you know isn't right for you and becoming single again, in the end you know you made the right choice. Also, like Pennywise, my ex had a really bad haircut that the shallow side of me just couldn't deal with.

I think that every woman in America should read Stephen King's It as a reference on what types of guys you should avoid. And let's be honest- each of us have been on a date with somebody who resembles a murderous clown- it's when they invite me back to their sewer for a night cap that I know to politely decline.

8 comments:

  1. Sounds like your ex should also be made into a TV mini-series...broadcast on Lifetime of the Hallmark Channel. Ah sweet, sweet revenge!

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  2. Hmmmmmm... now that you mention it, i think i had a pennywise once too! WTF?

    And this? "actually, I think this is just Pennywise - although sometimes my ex did have bad breath" - made me laugh my face off.

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  3. I think I'd rather have sex with Pennywise than your ex-boyfriend.

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  4. murderous clowns that invite me back to their sewer for a night cap??? hmm that sounds a lot better than most of the proposals I have gotten in a long time...oh, wait...that's supposed to be a bad thing right?
    LOL great post

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  5. Niiiice.

    Now I'm going to be comparing every guy to Pennywise. Heh.

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  6. I sent this to my bestfriend and she thinks you dated her ex.

    Loved this.

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  7. I absolutely loved this, and I've tagged you in the meme I've just completed. No problem if you don't want to join in but I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy your blog.

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  8. I'm totally gonna read that book now...Because I love me some good dismemberment. And then I'm going to name my next child Pennywise.

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