Sunday, June 27, 2010

Jury Duty

I received a Jury Summons in the mail and the first thing I thought was, Me? They want ME to decide the fate of someone on trial? Me, who gets then/than mixed up? Me, who considers Lindsay Lohan 'misunderstood'? Me, who spent over 45 minutes last night rolling the towels in her bathroom and placing them in a wicker basket to create a 'spa-like experience'?

I was honored, and really, Jury Duty has lots of benefits:

Get out of work for a day!
Sit around and flip through fashion magazines!
Pretend I'm Tom Cruise in The Firm!

Reality set in as, bored, I was shuffled from room to room and was asked a ton of questions. Crap like, "Have you ever been sexually assaulted?" (I wish.) Do you know the person on trial today? (Depends- were they at Flow Nightclub last night? Because if they were, they saw me both flash my tits on the dance floor and vomit on a bar stool.) "What do you do for a living?" (Suck corporate dick- why do you ask?)

The kicker was that I kept making it through the next round. I couldn't help but wonder why- I mean, I smelled like a candy factory (read: Sugar-Vanilla Body Spray), was wearing a hot-pink Juicy Couture jumpsuit, and was reading Paris Hilton's Confessions of a Heiress. I couldn't have appeared any dumber if I tried.

On the final round they actually reviewed the trial, and while part of me really tried to pay attention, I ended up day-dreaming about being on trial myself.

Prosecutor: "Living Shallow Living Well, did you spend over 22 hours last weekend downloading clips of The Vampire Diaries from season one on You Tube- in nothing but your underwear and a blue halter top from 1998?"
Me (behind the witness stand, looking quite attractive in a navy pencil skirt and cream-colored blouse): "I actually think that halter top was more of a turquoise."

GUILTY!

Prosecutor: "Living Shallow Living Well, did you drink three glass of pinot noir and then order over $400 worth of sheepskin throws online to give your 600 sq. foot condo a more 'cozy, cabin-like' feel?"
Me: "Those things were $400? Fuck!"

GUILTY!

Prosecutor: "Living Shallow Living Well, did you cry when you found out that Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush broke up?"
Me: *sob*

GUILTY!

The judge slammed her gravel down and I jumped out of my daydream. Luckily, I was not selected for the final jury, and was excused. I hurried home to a hot bath and glass of wine.

And you know- those rolled towels in the wicker basket? It really DOES look like a spa in here!

13 comments:

  1. HAHAHAAAA! Awesomeness!
    P.S. I gave you an award on my bloggidy blog. :)

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  2. Haha! I got a jury summons last week, and am trying to get excused. If I still have to go I'll be sure to follow some of your advice and see what happens. :)

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  3. Hahaha! My OH got a jury summons a couple of weeks ago. For a number of reasons I fell on the floor laughing. We have framed the letter.

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  4. LL is "misunderstood" - ha!

    I'm just sayin... your photo makes me laugh my ass off every time i see it. It is THAT awesome.

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  5. this is probably the greatest thing i've read all day.

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  6. I love that you kept making it through to the next round. Like a game show...with really bad prize money and no Amana radarange.

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  7. I got a jury summons today. Don't think I have the patience for it. Might need to borrow that tube top you mentioned. I mean, if you don't mine me sort of stretching it out a scooch.

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  8. I haven't yet gotten my first invite to the party known as jury duty, but haven't yet decided how to best avoid inclusion onto an actual jury. I'm leaning toward quietly mumbling/twitching while they other person is talking, though your method seemed to (belatedly, but still effectively) work. Now to find my Juicy....

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  9. ah, I am so glad I moseyed on over here from Mr London Street. You are bloody hilarious :)

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  10. Never underestimate the 'spa-like experience'.

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  11. omg! me toosies on the jury duty! except i was much more panicked and nauseous and also i almost died. dramatically.

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  12. Their loss, LSLW. They are probably saving you for a really tough case.

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  13. I have never had the opportunity to be on jury duty. But then, with my criminal record, it's hardly surprising.

    Great blog!

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