Thursday, July 22, 2010

Dress Up

When I was single I dressed for boys. I wore tight jeans that made my ass look like you could bounce a quarter off of it, low-cut (yet classy) tops, and high heels. I had the long blond hair and 'natural looking' makeup- because boys don't like caked-on clown paint, they want you to look pretty and approachable. This was my 'look' for about fifteen years.

At the age of 31, I got married. And then I stopped dressing for men and started dressing for my own personal entertainment.

Vintage house dress from 1952? Love it. Cowboy boots with a tuxedo jacket? Done. Cut a hole in the top of a trash bag and belt it? Why the fuck not?

My husband doesn't care, because the fool is in love with me and really, I could get away with murder around him. I literally asked him once, "Would you hate me if I murdered someone?"
"I'm sure you'd have a good reason for doing it, honey," he said absentmindedly while pursing the newspaper.

That is so sweet.

I met my girlfriend out for drinks in a black leotard, knee-high black boots, and a dog collar. I looked like an extra from Van Helsing.
"WHAT in the hell are you wearing?!" She demanded, glancing around the bar, probably praying no one was staring. "What, you're in a fucking biker gang now? Roll in here on a Harley?"
"You're just jealous," I said, adjusting the rolled whip on my hip.

I went to a party last weekend in a pair of Lycra hot pants, flip-flops with little cherries on them, and bright red lipstick.
"Oh look, Katy Perry is here, everybody," my sister said sarcastically, and handed me a beer. "Seriously, sis- you are 33 goddamn years old. I think you need to chill on the Lycra."
"That's what my mother-in-law said this morning at brunch," I replied, squirming in my pants. It was hot, and I was starting to sweat in my Lycra. "I'm pretty sure she is a little worried about me- being married to her son and all."
"No shit....hey- did you kiss a girl- and like it?"
"Very funny."

I wonder if I just enjoy receiving negative attention, or am I simply bored? My husband and I went to a nice restaurant last night and I was in striped bib overalls.
"I feel like I'm on a date with Thomas the Tank Engine," he mused across the table, sipping his red wine. "Seriously, honey, I love you- but when is this whole costume phase going to end?"

He should just be grateful I haven't murdered anybody.


  1. Everyone should re-invent themselves now and again. Keeps things interesting. Especially as we get older and start getting stuck in our routines. Go you!

    But you should totally post pics of those Lycra hot pants though. Those are definately blog-worthy pics. :o)

  2. In the wise words of an audience member at Maury Povich, "you go girl". Life is more fun when you break from the routine. The world has too many robots and sheep.

  3. Express yo'self! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

  4. That's why we just randomly throw themed parties...that way I can get my fill of dressing like Amy Winehouse or Lady Gaga or wearing a tacky Christmas sweater without getting TOO many weird looks in public.

    My "dressing for myself" after getting married just involved way more t-shirts and flip flops. I'm sure my husband just loves that.

  5. I completely understand this need. My day to day work clothes are so boring that when I go out, I go overboard with "interesting" wardrobe choices. Really, it's just another word for "couture", you know?

  6. I love it! I hope your costume phase never ends. One, because I think it's great to re-invent yourself on a daily basis. Two, if you murder someone, your jail outfits will be soooo boring.

  7. I wore costumes until I was about 25. Just couldn't pull it off anymore.

    You must post pics of your ensembles.

  8. hmm. I did it just the opposite way. All my costuming took place prior to marriage. I loved my cub scout shirt. It came with badges. Needless to say, they were unearned.

  9. I am doing the same thing, but mine is with an inordinate amount of doc martens.

  10. It's interesting that you mention bouncing a quarter off a woman's ass, because whenever I try it, they are less than pleased.

  11. I would be in a world of people questioning me and a lot of happiness from my side if I dared wear everything that I want to wear. DO IT, I say, we don't have unlimited amount of time on this earth. Brave woman. And I'm pretty sure the people commenting are a bit jealous of your courage.

  12. Fuck, darlin' you crack me up.
    The imagery is fantastic and we could have SO MUCH FUN WITH MY WARDROBE. My Manfriend wonders where the fuck I got some of my outfits from and asks why we are keeping them. Told him they shall come in handy...EVERYTHING comes back in style.

    Or I make it come back.