Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Get A Clue

My memory has been really, really, bad lately. I don't know if it's my late-night drinking, or my daily Xanax-popping ritual- but I can't remember a goddamn thing. So my life has become the board game, Clue- I gather all the evidence to figure what happened the day before. I've become the Nancy Drew of my own life.

Question: WHY IS MY KITCHEN FLOOR SO STICKY?

Answer: Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick!

Ok, so....last night....I stared at the red gooey sludge on my tile floor. I remember scooping up watermelon....but why is so MUCH of it on the ground?! I frown, and open the fridge- I remember coming home, getting into my lounge wear (read: sweatpants and a dirty sports bra from 2002). I remember- WAIT! There! In the recycling bin! An empty bottle of Everclear! Ha! I have solved the mystery!

Me, in the kitchen, with a bottle of Everclear, making melon balls! And then I ate, like, a dozen of them!

Question: WHY DID HUMAN RESOURCES SCHEDULE AN 'URGENT' 9AM MEETING WITH ME?

Answer: Miss Scarlett, in the conservatory, with the revolver!

Um....I glance around my desk at work....everything seems fine....I turned in my last report on time....yesterday, I came into work, grabbed some coffee, filed some papers....WAIT! I glance up- the screen saver on my computer! It's- it's a picture of two men making love to one women! I had downloaded porn at work- and then- uploaded one of the pictures as my screen saver?! Eureka! Mystery solved!

Me, in my office, with porn! I'm going to get fired!

Question: WHO PURCHASED OVER $400 WORTH OF SHEEPSKIN THROWS ON MY CREDIT CARD?

Answer: Colonel Mustard, in the ballroom, with the lead pipe!

Oh god....$400? Who would do that? I pondered this question, sipping white white in my living room, lounging on the couch. Sheepskins....sheepskins....hmm.....I remember- using my credit card, I remember- shopping online- WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! I sat up and looked down at the couch. Holy shit, I'm sitting on the sheepskin throws now! They're perfectly draped across the furniture- just like the picture in my interior design magazine!

Me, drunken online shopping, with a Visa!

Phew. Well, looks like I have figured out most of this week's mysteries. And now, about that Colonel Mustard- what a hottie! Me and Colonel Mustard, in the den, with massage oils.....

5 comments:

  1. Drunken online shopping gets me every time. They really need to start doing some PSAs about that.

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  2. Did you know....The Iranian version of Clue uses Persian names and even updated the pictures after the Islamic revolution to match the required garb. In another difference to the game most of us are used to playing, the goal of the game in Iran is not to solve the murder, but to discover who the thief was.

    My Manfriend is totally guilty of getting shit canned and shopping online. All of a sudden we start getting random packages in the mail. (His name is on it but whatever..I open them).
    Panties..tons of panties. Some are fantastic...some I ask if he had to cover one eye in order to see the screen.

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  3. That is all awesome.

    It seems like I have a lot of those "wait a minute..." moments lately too. WTF is up with that?

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  4. You could probably follow Lindsay Lohan around and do this for a living. Can you get me an autograph?

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