My memory has been really, really, bad lately. I don't know if it's my late-night drinking, or my daily Xanax-popping ritual- but I can't remember a goddamn thing. So my life has become the board game, Clue- I gather all the evidence to figure what happened the day before. I've become the Nancy Drew of my own life.
Question: WHY IS MY KITCHEN FLOOR SO STICKY?
Answer: Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick!
Ok, so....last night....I stared at the red gooey sludge on my tile floor. I remember scooping up watermelon....but why is so MUCH of it on the ground?! I frown, and open the fridge- I remember coming home, getting into my lounge wear (read: sweatpants and a dirty sports bra from 2002). I remember- WAIT! There! In the recycling bin! An empty bottle of Everclear! Ha! I have solved the mystery!
Me, in the kitchen, with a bottle of Everclear, making melon balls! And then I ate, like, a dozen of them!
Question: WHY DID HUMAN RESOURCES SCHEDULE AN 'URGENT' 9AM MEETING WITH ME?
Answer: Miss Scarlett, in the conservatory, with the revolver!
Um....I glance around my desk at work....everything seems fine....I turned in my last report on time....yesterday, I came into work, grabbed some coffee, filed some papers....WAIT! I glance up- the screen saver on my computer! It's- it's a picture of two men making love to one women! I had downloaded porn at work- and then- uploaded one of the pictures as my screen saver?! Eureka! Mystery solved!
Me, in my office, with porn! I'm going to get fired!
Question: WHO PURCHASED OVER $400 WORTH OF SHEEPSKIN THROWS ON MY CREDIT CARD?
Answer: Colonel Mustard, in the ballroom, with the lead pipe!
Oh god....$400? Who would do that? I pondered this question, sipping white white in my living room, lounging on the couch. Sheepskins....sheepskins....hmm.....I remember- using my credit card, I remember- shopping online- WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! I sat up and looked down at the couch. Holy shit, I'm sitting on the sheepskin throws now! They're perfectly draped across the furniture- just like the picture in my interior design magazine!
Me, drunken online shopping, with a Visa!
Phew. Well, looks like I have figured out most of this week's mysteries. And now, about that Colonel Mustard- what a hottie! Me and Colonel Mustard, in the den, with massage oils.....
Quarter Life Whatever
4 years ago