Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I'll Never Be CEO

Once a year, my boss takes our entire company out to a baseball game.

Our main office is in Denver, Colorado, and our second office is in Salt Lake City, Utah. Which means half my coworkers are Mormon.

Baseball + Mormons = Me In A Coma.

You think baseball is boring? Try having a conversation with a Mormon. I know inanimate objects with more personality. Mormons can't talk about anything fun (read: sex, drugs, alcohol). Mormons can only converse about three things: kids, church, and the weather. Which means I have more in common with serial killers than I do with Mormons.

So there I was, trapped watching a baseball game with a pack of Mormons. It was more torturous than waterboarding, and my boss was Dick Cheney.
"Isn't this great?" My boss asked excitedly, like an asshole. I wanted to hit him.

The game started with the national anthem, and the Mormons stood up excitedly, their hands over their hearts. Mormons love America. They also love being white, giving birth, khaki pants, and lemonade. They don't drink alcohol, so at the baseball game they were all drinking tons and tons of lemonade.
"You likey the game?" I slurred to the Mormon sitting next to me. I was on my fifth beer (can you blame me?) and desperately trying to entertain myself. I had a baseball game in front of me (yawn) and a Mormon to my right. I imagined it was how a gay man felt in between two women: not interested in either.

"This is fun," said the Mormon, sipping his lemonade. He looked like Howdy Doodie, the puppet. And I was pretty sure the only one handling his strings was God.
"So, you've only had sex with like, one person, right?" I mumbled, noting the ring on his left hand.
"Um..." Howdy squirmed uncomfortably.
"Isn't that like going to a buffet and only eating the dinner rolls?" I continued. "I mean, there's like, prime rib, and salad, and all those yummy desserts...." I raised my eyebrows suggestively.
I heard my boss bark my name behind me, and as I turned to look at him he glared at me. I raised my beer in greeting.
"So," I said, returning to my conversation with the Mormon. "You don't want a beer? It's REAL good." I knocked back the rest of mine. "Why don't you make yourself useful and get mommy another?" I asked, shaking my empty cup in front of him.
As Howdy raced off, my boss approached me. "You really need to tone it down," he said sternly.
"Is this about me pressing my tits against the glass on the elevator?" I asked. "Because only like half the office saw that."
My boss flinched. "We really need to not completely offend the Salt Lake group," he grumbled.
"You're the one who invited them out here," I snapped. "Me making jokes about being somebody's fifth wife is just my way of coping."
"Oh, God," my boss groaned.
"You invited him too? Fuck, I am screwed," I said.

I tried to be nice to them. Like, I let Howdy hold my hair back when I ended up vomiting into a nacho platter, and I told Lisa, the 23-year-old with four kids that her body seemed to bounce back nicely after delivering her litter. All in all, I thought the evening went well.

"The Salt Lake City group left this morning," my boss told me the next day. I was hungover and his voice hurt my ears.

"Looks like my prayers have been answered," I replied, before running to the bathroom to puke again.


  1. Hahahah. I wish I had your socially inept-skills!

  2. I want to wrap all your posts in a binder and every time I'm having a bad day, read one.

    You always make me feel better.

  3. My boss is a mormon. He creeps me out to no end. Did you know mormons believe that in the coming years the language barrier between animals and people will be lifted, and we'll be able to talk to them? Which I think is pretty kick ass....cuz then I could totally tell my dog to stop shitting in my bed.

  4. I am offended.
    I am amused.

    Amused must win, cuz I keep coming back!

  5. I think you handled this situation much better than I would have! All you did was ask about sex. I'm sure a proposition would have been in the cards for me . . . Nicely done.

  6. I second that!

    That is just fantastic.
    My father and I went to this churchy wedding that had NO BOOZE. We were classy and brought flasks.

    We're both so fucking weird no one noticed we were smammered.

  7. I hired a mormon design team once for a project. They were adorable and yet desperately worried for me and my big city sinning ways. So what did they bring me when they flew out for a meeting? A shot glass with the word UTAH frosted across it. I think of them every time I use you know, daily.

  8. so, SO funny.
    mormons confuse me tho. they don't talk about sex yet they marry themselves off to multiple partners? what's the OPPOSITE of mormon? bc i want in THERE. i could totally get down with some plentiful brother-husband action...

  9. I had a co-worker who used to say 'it is so cold my nipples could cut glass' and then she would go up to a window and 'draw' a circle with her boobs, making the appropriate 'screeee' noises. I bet you would be in on that. You know, with all the elevator action.

    You are highly amusing. I don't think I have even met one mormon, living in Perth. No wait - I have met a couple. They send the cute ones out on public transport to try and convert ppl. I just used to like making them blush.

  10. The Mormons in Arizona are all the way jack. The ones I know swear, drink booze and are insanely perverted. It must be the heat.

  11. OH MAN this post KILLED ME... LOL!!!!!!!

    Howdy Doodie.. Nice.

  12. I've given you a blog award. Just so you know! :)