Sunday, November 21, 2010

Time & Time Again

"Welcome to Time Management," the instructor said, a large stack of folders clutched to her chest. She beamed at us, proudly standing in front of the conference room in her salmon-colored suit. "I'm Sherry Baker, and this is the day you finally take control of your life!"

Ugh. Kill me now. I sat at a round circular table, surrounded by a few other corporate douche bags and prayed for a quick death. My boss had signed me up for a time management seminar- when I protested, he mentioned something about me missing deadlines, showing up late to work, and constantly reeking of vodka.
"I don't reek of vodka," I said, insulted, unable to defend the missing deadlines and showing up late to work part. "That's probably just my mouthwash you're smelling."
My boss snorted. "There's a handle of cranberry vodka in your desk drawer," he said dryly. "I'm assuming it's not there to clean wounds."

God, he's such an asshole. I stomped back to my desk to pout. I fantasized about quitting and starting my OWN company. A company where I didn't have a boss telling me I was an incompetent drunk. Then I realized that I WAS an incompetent drunk and didn't actually have any real desire, motivation, or capital to start a business. And then I didn't really care about attending a time management seminar, because I had already downed a glass of cranberry vodka over ice at that point and was feeling really good.

My cherry attitude quickly changed the next day when Sherry Baker started droning on and on about staying organized and scheduled, and I knew I was screwed. The class was two days, which meant I was in for 48 hours of incarceration, and Ms. Baker was my warden.

"First we're going to to understand who you are," she chirped, passing out thick packets. "Please fill out the questionnaire."
I'm right-handed, but I wrote my name at the top of the packet with my left hand, making it look like a small child's penmanship. I chuckled to myself, because I'm incredibly immature like that, and then opened it to the first page.

WHEN YOU HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO, HOW DO YOU GET IT ALL DONE?
I wrote 'what work?' and then went to the next question.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PRODUCTIVITY AND TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS?
I don't have any. That's why I'm here.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE ELSE IS PREVENTING YOU FROM ACCOMPLISHING YOUR TASKS?
Thank them.

HOW DO YOU DETERMINE WHAT AMOUNT OF TIME IS REASONABLE FOR A TASK?
Typically, I tell my boss that every project he gives me will take me a 'lifetime' to complete. This gives me plenty of opportunity to take three hour lunches.

HAVE YOU EVER DONE A COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS? TELL ME ABOUT IT.
What the fuck?

I didn't know the answer to the last question, so I snuck a peek at my neighbor's packet. She glared at me and covered her answers with her forearm.

"You need to fill out your own questionnaire," Sherry said cheerfully, staring at me. I felt like a 5th grader again, minus the juice boxes and dodge ball.

After lunch, we sat in a circle on the floor and our instructor held up a large red ball.
"We're going to share words that EMPOWER each of us," she said. "When you catch the ball, say a word that gives you POSITIVE ENERGY." She tossed the ball up in the air, and the guy next to me caught it. "Um..." He seemed confused. "My....kids?"
"Great!" Sherry Baker cheered. "Yes, if you have kids, they are a POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON YOUR LIFE ENERGY!"
I had no idea what life energy had to do with time management, but hell, it got me out of work for couple days, so I went with it and clapped with the rest of the group. When the ball flew up again, another women reached out for it. "My dogs give me lots of positive energy," she said, eagerly. "And my scrapbooking. I LOVE to scrapbook."
"YEAH!" Sherry pumped her fist like a Jersey Shore cast member. "Yeah!"
When the ball flew up again, I caught it. My mind blanked for a second, and then I said, "Sherry Baker gives ME life energy!" I was kissing her ass, hoping she'd send word back to my boss that I was a model student.
"YOU KNOW IT!" Sherry shouted, waving her arms. I was surprised her head didn't explode.

On the second day we talked about stress and how it affects our schedules. Sherry had us all share how we deal with stress.
"Well, I...." I glanced around the room. A lot of people had mentioned really lame shit for dealing with stress- things like exercise, spending time with their family, and prayer. I didn't believe their bullshit for a second.
"I really enjoy drinking," I said, truthfully. Sherry nodded encouragingly, so I kept going. "And sometimes I'll take, like, two or three Midol, you know for PMS? But I won't really have PMS- I just like the way Midol makes me feel- like I'm flying across space on a unicorn's back, you know?" Sherry kept nodding. "And then after the Midol, I'll have one glass of wine- okay maybe three- and then I really like to blast Gwen Stefani or Madonna or Lady Gaga-" I couldn't stop, my confession spilling out of my body like diarrhea. Sherry had stopped nodding and my coworkers were staring at me blankly, but I couldn't stop. "And then I'll get in this old terry cloth robe I've had for over a decade-it has bloodstains all over it-and I'll post a couple obscene comments on my ex-boyfriend's Facebook page, and then wax my bikini line. Eventually I'll blackout from either the Midol or the wine or the bikini wax pain- and I'll come to like four hours later and feel much, much better, you know?" Satisfied, I stopped and sipped my water.
"Um- thanks....for sharing," Sherry said, awkwardly, her enthusiasm gone.

"How was it?" My boss asked the next day, peering into my cube.
"Great," I said, cheerfully. "I learned a TON."
"So you'll start turning your work in on time?" He asked, hopefully.
"No," I answered. "Sherry wants me to lower my stress, so I'm going to actually work less." I popped a Midol in my mouth and swallowed it down with some water as I watched him walk away, disappointed.

He should take up scrapbooking.

9 comments:

  1. Midol really is like a unicorn space ride!

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  2. What kind of midol do you take?

    Just, uh, for scientific purposes. Because I am a scientist. I need to fully investigate the unicorn-riding in space theory. In a totally legitimate and serious way.

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  3. I manage my time at work by reading your blog.

    *takes a bow*

    You're welcome.

    P.S. If you chug a LOT of water while you're at work, you can burn at least a couple hours a day on potty breaks.

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  4. Wait. I thought Vodka didn't reek? I thought that was the whole point of a hidden flask of vodka? Damn.

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  5. I love your blog,the title and the look.I just stumbled on it.i will surely be back to read your older post.

    You can join me @ www.dailybread09.blogspot.com

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  6. If i owned a company, I would loan you out to a competing company to run it to the ground. Then, you could come back and work for me and I would give you a big fat bonus at the end of the year.

    You would think it would be a fajillion dollars but it would really be a ten dollar gift certificate to a local buffet. And then you would run my company into the ground.

    Well, maybe my plan is not so brilliant. Fuck, I'm not a genius after all.

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  7. Can you come work here where I work? Other people here are way to focused and goal oriented. It makes me lonely. I prefer Benedryl with my wine, personally. (Only AFTER work...i am a teacher and Big Brother is watching.)

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  8. Thanks a lot for making me snort my bailey's-laced coffee all over my sweater. now what am I going to do? Take a three hour lunch break, obviously, to shop for a new sweater...

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