Friday, April 23, 2010


I really do not like playing Scrabble.

It makes me look dumb. And while I'm not saying I'm that smart, I really don't need people to know that:

A.) I can't spell.
B.) Trying to put together words from a random collection of wooden squares is not only impossible, but also really, really boring.
C.) Isn't Housewives of Orange County on? Shouldn't we be watching that instead of playing Scrabble?

Once I made the mistake of playing this nightmare of a game with my husband's parents. His mom put down something like 'BACCALAUREATE' and I responded by putting down 'HEN' on the board. They officially think I'm an idiot.

Me, my mom, and my sister were all playing Scrabble last night, and I found myself with these letters: U, L, A, M, S. So I took the U and placed it sideways on the board, spelling out CLAMS.

"I'm not sure you can do that," my sister said, frowning, and then pulled out the rules on the back of the Scrabble box.

"You are SO creative, honey," my mom said, patting my hand. "That should definitely count."

My sister shrugged, mostly because she really didn't care either way, and marked me down for 28 points (double letter score!). Honestly, my family is probably the least competitive one on earth- 99% of our games end up in a 'tie'.

I followed that by adding a S onto ROBOT, creating ROBOTS and getting like, 50 points for the whole word. Again, I'm not sure if any of this is legal, but we were all drinking wine and past caring. I capped the game off by adding a sideways V, combined with another sideways U with O and D and added it to my earlier word.


"Clams are less than Cod," I stated.

"That makes absolutely no goddamn sense, and I'm pretty sure you can't use a sideways V to create a greater than/less than math symbol in Scrabble," my sister said.

"Clams are less than what?" Mom asked.

"I think clams cost less money than cod," I replied.

My sister snorted. "Clams cost MORE money, because the shells are heavy."

I shrugged and flipped the wooden V letter.


"That's better," my sister said, and put me down for 72 points.

"I just love clams," my mom said, taking another sip of her wine. "They are delicious soaked in butter and garlic."

Did I just mention above that I hate Scrabble? Scratch that. I love Scrabble- but only if I'm playing with my mom and my sister.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Above It

I was at work yesterday, in the break room, chatting about Jennifer Lopez.

"So, her kids, Max and Emme- they look JUST LIKE Marc Anthony. It's like he had sex with himself and gave birth to the kids- like, shot the kids out of his own body, you know?" I sucked down a big swallow of Perrier (because it makes me feel sexy and French) and continued. My audience was four coworkers, all thoughtfully chewing their sandwiches and listening. "You can just tell she is genuinely happy with Marc- I don't know WHAT that thing was with Ben (Affleck), but her and Marc just make sense- I can tell they work- don't ask me how, I just know." I was nodding as I was talking, like J Lo was a personal friend of mine and not some worldwide super star.

One of my coworkers, Samantha, snorted. "Oh, who cares about Jennifer Lopez? I've got other things to worry about."

I smiled thinly.

I think one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think they are 'above' pop culture. I call them the AboveIts- their mantra? Reality television is trash, gossip magazines are garbage, Hollywood blogs for people who have no life. I'll mention how great it is that Angelina and Brad donated something like $10 million dollars to Haiti and they'll roll their eyes and go, "ah, actors." Um, excuse me? Have you donated $10 dollars to Haiti? Probably not.

And Samantha, who has 'other things' to worry about? She's referring to her golden retriever, who keeps puking all over her carpet. I told her not to get a dog, but did she listen to me? No. She's just jealous of J Lo's buttery caramel highlights. I know this because I got her drunk after work on day, and she literally said, "I just love J Lo's buttery caramel highlights."

So I didn't say anything to Samantha, because yeah, she'd probably rather be a gorgeous, rich, and famous superstar as opposed to a computer specialist with a weak-stomached dog. So if taking a knock on J Lo makes her feel better, so be it.

But if she goes after my girl Lady Gaga, we're going to have problems.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Dear Mom.....

My girlfriends and I spent last weekend in California drinking wine and eating too much food. Friends + wine = much hilarity. I feel bad for guys sometimes, because they don't get drunk on white pinot grigio and then compare bra sizes, like we do. They don't know what they're missing.

The subject of our mothers came up, as it always does when you get six girls together who love to bitch and moan. The relationship between mothers and daughters is part psycho, part love, part hate. That's just how it is- mothers know how to annoy and torture their daughters, and in return those daughters know how to rebel and horrify their mothers. It's really quite poetic.

One of my friends mentioned that she would love to write just a really simple, honest letter to her mom instead of the usual 'I'm fine' phone call. My friend then said, "Dear Mom.....last Tuesday, I ate two Lean Cuisine's, drank four beers, and then masturbated during an entire Law & Order episode."

We laughed for about two minutes and then took turns sharing our own Dear Mom letters.

"Dear Mom.....remember that time I slept over at Kimberly's house in 11Th grade? I was actually losing my virginity in the back of a Ford Taurus."

"Dear Mom.....I have been drunk every Christmas morning since 1994."

"Dear Mom....when I go out to the bars, I typically seek out men that will be a detriment to both my physical and mental health."

"Dear Mom....mock neck turtlenecks will never be 'elegant', as you so fondly describe them."

Now, we wouldn't ever waste our time and actually write these letters to our moms, as they would just roll their eyes and toss the letter in the trash, mumbling about their daughters 'acting out' again.

Plus, I'm busy eating a Lean Cuisine and watching Law & Order.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Branson, Missouri- Your Next Vacation Spot

Has anybody else seen the commercials for Branson, Missouri?

Known as the "Live Music Show Capital of the World," Branson, Missouri, is truly a one-of-a-kind family vacation destination- AND an incredible value!
Branson has more than 50 live performance theaters, three pristine lakes, 12 championship golf courses, an international award-winning theme park, AND dozens of attractions and museums!
Branson has a Historic Downtown district, great shopping, a full range of dining options, AND a host of hotels, motels, resorts, RV parks, campgrounds, and meeting conference facilities!
Visit Branson- no passport needed!

Oh, GOD.

First of all, I have never heard of Branson. I've heard of Missouri- that's one of the mid-west states, right? But Branson?! They want me to vacation in Branson?!?

First of all, describing your vacation destination as a place that has "an award-winning theme park" and "a host of RV parks" is not appealing. Not. Appealing. Think about it- does Paris ever have to point out that they have plenty of "conference facilities"?! Of course Paris doesn't have to do that. Because Paris is cool.

I really don't want to be rude to Branson. I'm sure the people there are very nice. But fuck, if I have a choice between Branson and oh say, Barcelona- I'm going to Barcelona. Adios, Branson.

Is it the hot new budget-friendly spot? I couldn't help that notice Branson is advertising itself as an 'incredible value'. Funny, because the package on the 3-pack of tampons I just bought at Costco also described themselves as an 'incredible value'. I guess Branson, like my tampons, absorbs unfertilized human waste.

(Did I just write that? God, I'm good.)

Branson mentions that you can visit this amazing place, "no passport required". Right, because god forbid any American actually spends $60 for a passport and expands his/her horizons experiencing another culture. Why discover Tokyo when you could go to a titty show in Branson, followed by an all-you-can-eat buffet? Branson it is!

I was being a little facetious before when I mentioned that I wasn't familiar with Missouri- I was actually born in Hannibal, Missouri- birth place of Mark Twain. I wonder if Mr. Twain ever went to Branson?

I hear they have some great amusement parks there.