When I was single I dressed for boys. I wore tight jeans that made my ass look like you could bounce a quarter off of it, low-cut (yet classy) tops, and high heels. I had the long blond hair and 'natural looking' makeup- because boys don't like caked-on clown paint, they want you to look pretty and approachable. This was my 'look' for about fifteen years.
At the age of 31, I got married. And then I stopped dressing for men and started dressing for my own personal entertainment.
Vintage house dress from 1952? Love it. Cowboy boots with a tuxedo jacket? Done. Cut a hole in the top of a trash bag and belt it? Why the fuck not?
My husband doesn't care, because the fool is in love with me and really, I could get away with murder around him. I literally asked him once, "Would you hate me if I murdered someone?"
"I'm sure you'd have a good reason for doing it, honey," he said absentmindedly while pursing the newspaper.
That is so sweet.
I met my girlfriend out for drinks in a black leotard, knee-high black boots, and a dog collar. I looked like an extra from Van Helsing.
"WHAT in the hell are you wearing?!" She demanded, glancing around the bar, probably praying no one was staring. "What, you're in a fucking biker gang now? Roll in here on a Harley?"
"You're just jealous," I said, adjusting the rolled whip on my hip.
I went to a party last weekend in a pair of Lycra hot pants, flip-flops with little cherries on them, and bright red lipstick.
"Oh look, Katy Perry is here, everybody," my sister said sarcastically, and handed me a beer. "Seriously, sis- you are 33 goddamn years old. I think you need to chill on the Lycra."
"That's what my mother-in-law said this morning at brunch," I replied, squirming in my pants. It was hot, and I was starting to sweat in my Lycra. "I'm pretty sure she is a little worried about me- being married to her son and all."
"No shit....hey- did you kiss a girl- and like it?"
I wonder if I just enjoy receiving negative attention, or am I simply bored? My husband and I went to a nice restaurant last night and I was in striped bib overalls.
"I feel like I'm on a date with Thomas the Tank Engine," he mused across the table, sipping his red wine. "Seriously, honey, I love you- but when is this whole costume phase going to end?"
He should just be grateful I haven't murdered anybody.
Quarter Life Whatever
4 years ago