Sunday, January 2, 2011

Ten Resolutions

This is going to be MY YEAR.

I say that every year on New Year's Eve, usually around 11:43pm, right before I either blackout or vomit from all the alcohol. The next day, hungover, I write out all my new year's resolutions, swearing to myself that THIS YEAR is going to be the year that I actually follow through with all my goals.

I swear I'm going to keep them.

LIVING SHALLOW LIVING WELL'S 2011 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1.) I WILL FIND A NEW SHADE OF BLOND.
I have been every color of blond- ash blond, honey blond, sunset blond, caramel blond- but, surely- there are more? There's got to be an entire world of blond I have yet to discover- I'm going to become the Christopher Columbus of blond hair. Straw blond? Billy Idol blond? The possibilities are endless.

2.) I WILL STOP CALLING MY BOSS 'DADDY'.
Every time my boss asks me to do something, I sarcastically say "Sure.....Daddy." He gives me a pretty odd look, especially when we're in staff meetings or conference calls and I do it. I should probably stop.

3.) I WILL DEVELOP A HEALTHY DIET AND EXERCISE PLAN.
Read: Abuse laxatives.

4.) I WILL STOP MAKING FUN OF MORMONS.
Eh....actually, this probably won't happen. Mormons are like those crab apples that fall from trees and end up scattered on the sidewalk- I can't help but step on them, because the sound of that crunch is so satisfying. Also, I wouldn't make fun of them if they didn't give me SO MUCH to work with- I mean- multiple wives? Aversion to coffee? Those creepy white smocks they wear under their clothes? I have enough material for years of jokes.

5.) I WILL TAKE MY SHALLOWNESS TO A NEW LEVEL.
Last weekend, I wasted tons of time reading Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, discussing politics, and volunteering. No more. I should have spent that time reading gossip magazines, smacking my gum, trying on eyeshadow colors that make me look more like Kate Bosworth, and staring vapidly into space.

6.) I WILL STOP REFERRING TO MY HUSBAND AS 'MY OVERLORD'.
When we go out to eat, I love giving my order to the waiter and then saying to my husband, "Go ahead, My Overlord." Or when a telemarketer calls I always say, "I'm going to need to check with My Overlord." When I'm filling out forms at the doctor's office, I love writing 'My Overlord' in the emergency contact section. I do it because it's really funny, but my husband's patience is wearing thin. So I'll just start calling him 'Master Of All That Is Holy."

7.) I WILL KEEP WRITING THIS BLOG.
Mostly because one women emailed me and told me that my blog is the only laugh she gets all day at her miserable, dead-end job. So Marnie28....this one's for you. Also, Marnie- try sneaking shots in the restroom around 10am. Your days will get a lot better- trust me on this one.

8.) I WILL TURN MY BATHROOM INTO A HOLLYWOOD REHAB CENTER.
It's going to look just like the one Lindsay Lohan stayed in- you know, rolled towels in baskets, zen music playing in the background, calming pale blue wallpaper, 3 grams of coke hidden in the toilet dispenser, and a therapist on site. It's going to be dreamy.....I should call that magazine, House Beautiful and see if they would want to do a photo shoot.

9.) I WILL STOP DRINKING MY DINNER.
My husband travels a lot for work (he's also the cook in the family), and when he's not home at night I turn into a frat boy. Two glasses of Jack Daniel's over ice with a side of white wine? Welcome to my Tuesday nights. But word on the street is that 'dinner' should include this thing called 'food', and while I'm no Julia Child, would it kill me to throw together a sandwich?

10.) I WILL STOP TELLING MY DOCTOR I HAVE ANXIETY/DEPRESSION/PANIC ATTACKS JUST TO GET A PRESCRIPTION TO XANAX/ADDERALL/PROZAC BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD/IS FUN TO ROLL WHILE WATCHING REALITY TELEVISION/CAN BE RESOLD TO HIGH SCHOOL KIDS FOR PROFIT.
Seriously, that is so wrong. I'm going to get my highs naturally- through things like working out, prayer, and spending time with friends and family. Plus, one of the high school kids I was dealing to told me he was going to call the cops. Fucker!

Well, there they are. My top ten- they're pretty lofty I know, but I'm going to work real hard and try to achieve them. Wish me luck.

Happy New Year!

8 comments:

  1. well said, and good luck!

    Now... perhaps you should switch from jack and coke to beer. They say there's a "pork chop in every can" Then you don't NEED to eat!! Yayyyy! Everybody wins.

    And let me know how the laxative diet goes... i too have been contemplating such a health plan.

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  2. I believe in you!

    ...r ability to do maybe number 7.

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  3. Before you quit #10...send on a lil pharma-love on up to Canada. Seriously winter is like 10 fucking months in Alberta. They should hand that shit out like candy.

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  4. I agree with Marnie28.

    I refer to my husband as Oppressor.

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  5. Found your blog by sheer luck and am really liking what I read in a shallow narrow minded way of course.
    I also used to call my boss Dad, luckily he left the company before I had said it aloud in too many meetings, but it happened...
    I am also looking for a new shade of blond as I have gone from platina to ginger in no time and I cannot afford to get it fixed at a hair dressers. Come up with a DIY solution please .....

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  6. Well, you really don't need to resolve to be funnier. I think that part is covered. Please, LSLW, seriously, don't mess with the formula, ok? Stand back from the list.

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  7. I have no idea how I got to your blog, but I just laughed out loud for a good ten minutes so I think Ill stick around.

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  8. Keep writing. Just look at your comments to see how many people you are making smile...making people smile must surely hold some weight in court when you're defending yourself against a charge of drug-dealing?!

    E x

    http://philosopher-without-a-cause.blogspot.com/

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