Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Scared Thin

Has anybody seen that new show on A&E called Beyond Scared Straight?

It's based on the program, Scared Straight, that takes troubled kids who have had problems with the law and are headed to a life of crime through the prison system, where real-life convicts share with them the horrors of jail. The kids, after hearing these stories and witnessing inmates banging on doors and making sexual gestures, realize they don't want to end up in prison and start doing their homework. The program is meant to 'scare' them down the path of righteousness.

When I was watching the show I thought, OMG, I totally know how these kids feel. It was like looking in a mirror.

No, my sister and I weren't bad kids. We just had a mom who considers fat the most evil single substance on earth. My childhood was like an ongoing episode of Beyond Scared Thin.

My mom, about 5'4" and 90-pounds soaking wet, is a health nut. I'm talking wheat germ in your flax cereal, organic beets for dinner, nuts for a snack. Her medicine cabinet is stocked with ginger root, sunflower seeds, fish oils, and ginkgo biloba. Her favorite pastime involves hooking herself up to an IV filled with carrot juice and meditating. I grew up nibbling on beans, wheat grass, and bark (well, we got bark for dessert, but only if we finished all our wheat grass).

My sister and I, in turn, were always fit and healthy. I don't think I had a tablespoon of salt, sugar, or fat really- ever. And my mom was going to make sure we kept it that way.

"Don't you bring that garbage into my house," Mom stated one night, as my sister and I, both in our teens, brought home some leftover cake from a friend's birthday party.
"It's made of sugar-free chocolate, though," I said helpfully, like that would change things. "I think it was made from, um- organic flour," I lied.
"It's Satan," she stated. "Throw it in the trash."

My cousin came over one morning with a box of donuts, a box of donuts- and I am not kidding you- she lost her shit.
"Well, wow- I didn't realize we were all going to ingest complete poison in our bodies this morning," she started, sarcastically. "Well, that's a great way to start off the day- with a triple bypass. GOOD THING I don't give a flying fuck about the health of myself, my husband, or my two beautiful daughters!" Mom clutched us tragically as we stared into the box of donuts in confusion. We had never seen a donut before and were fascinated. It looked like bread with some type of gooey substance on top, and, that smell- was that sugar? I had heard about sugar from some of the kids in my class, but I thought it was something that didn't really exist- like a unicorn, or a smurf.
"Um...." my cousin paused thoughtfully. "You want me to throw them out?"
"Only if you want to live to see another day," my mom said, calmly. The kind of calm that gives you chills up your spine.

The real beat-down came one day when mom caught my sister with a soda one of the neighbors had given her, and decided that my sister and I were 'out of control'.
"You're both about to graduate, and head off to college- and at college there's- buffets." My mom said this last word like some people say 'venereal disease'. "Get in the car," Mom said, gathering up her keys.

She drove us to McDonald's.
"OK." She parked the car, turned around, and glared at my sister and I, both trembling in the backseat. "We are going into a fast food restaurant. I want you to take a GOOD LOOK at the people in there. If you keep putting in your mouth, stuff like SODA-" she stopped and gave a death-stare to my sister. "-then you're going to end up like them. Get out of the car."
We quickly unbuckled our seat belts and raced into McDonald's, a place I had only previously seen on television commercials, and, admittedly- it housed more obese white people than a Republican National Convention.
Mom huddled the two of us to her, up front by the soda machine. "Look at that man over there," she said, pointing across a couple tables. "Is that how you want your future to look like? A double chin and type 2 diabetes? Does that look like fun to you?!? Does it?!?"
We stared at the floor. "Nooo....."
My mom pointed again at a large woman. "Over there! That woman- do you think she WANTS to be in pants with an elastic waist?! Do you want to struggle climbing a few stairs without passing out?!"
We both shook our heads no.
"And do you smell that? The smell of lard frying? And then that lard, sitting in your stomach, creating cellulite on the tops of your thighs? And all of it, eating away at your heart, killing you at young age? IS THAT THE KIND OF LIFE YOU WANT?!"
My sister started to cry and I resisted the urge to purge the carrot sticks I had eaten for lunch.
Like the prison inmates in Scared Straight, mom grabbed one of those large soda cups and started banging and dragging it against the side of the soda machine, and chanting 'Ronald McDonald is goin' get you!' until management kicked the three of us out. It was a day I would never forget.

Was it severe? Yes. And yet, like the 14-year-old gangbanger who finally stops stealing cars and starts doing their homework, my sister and I were traumatized into submission. To this day I faithfully eat my salads and whole grains and avoid the 'garbage'.

I just can't get the image of those elastic pants out of my head.


  1. Sigh. You will die (we all do some day) without having tasted and experienced the ecstasy of a gazillion delectable edibles....and for what? ?

    A 25 inch waist? Feh! A very poor bargain.


  2. But elastic pants are AWESOME!!! Hahahaaa!

  3. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. Except booze.

  4. Thank God she didn't feel the same way about liquor!

  5. I'm sure your mom is not happy about the development of Pajama Jeans. I don't know how I would be if I grew up so strict. We always ate healthy, but we were allowed to splurge on occasion, too. I think being healthy should be a choice, not a cult.