Tuesday, October 25, 2011


I've heard that men and women can have sex and get pregnant. That's what my 5th grade science teacher, Mr. Brogan, said anyway. But I don't buy it- why? Because my ass is sitting in a fertility clinic waiting room.
"How is it that two people can fuck for over two years and not get pregnant?" I whined to my husband sitting next to me, who was perusing through Fertility Today magazine. "Nature finds a way, my ASS." The receptionist looked over at me and glared. Probably because I dropped the F-bomb in her sterile, pastel-pink waiting room.
"I don't know, honey," Matthew said, turning the page of the magazine. "Hey, what's 'sperm washing'?"
I ignored him. "You know what's funny? How many times in my twenties I was peeing on the stick of some pregnancy test in a random gas station bathroom praying it was negative because I was dating some douchebag and forgot to take a birth control pill?" I giggled. "And that whole time- I didn't know my womb was a barren wasteland! Jeez, the money I could have saved on all that Zovia- I could have been popping Tic Tacs, for crying out loud."
"I'd rather not think about that, honey," my husband said. "And why would you take a pregnancy test in a gas station bathroom?"
"I've done a lot of things in gas station bathrooms that I'd rather not share," I answered, avoiding his question. "I'm 34 years old, have the body of Macaulay Culkin, and am the color of chalk. Of COURSE I'm not fertile," I complained. "Teenagers, like those kids on MTV's 16 and Pregnant, don't have this problem. If this was like, the 18th century, we'd be fine," I continued. "Back then everybody got married at like, thirteen and started having kids before they got their braces off."
"I don't think they had braces in the 18th century," Matthew mused.
"What, you're an orthodontist now?" I asked. "Either way, teenagers have super plump, juicy eggs. Mine are probably crusted and shriveled, like week-old roadkill."

"Living Shallow, Living Well?" A nurse barked from across the clinic waiting room.

"So..." Dr. Lopez flipped through our charts. We were sitting in her elegant and refined office, purchased with the dreams of childless couples, no doubt. "You're interested in getting pregnant," she said.
"Well, we want to have a baby to save our marriage," I joked, nervously. "And I've heard that children have nibble fingers, which are great for picking weeds out of the yard."
Dr. Lopez gave me a polite smile and ignored my comments. "I'm going to go over the process- we need to start with a lot of testing and figure out what the problem is. Then we'll give you two a variety of options...."
I tuned out then, because she started talking about science stuff, and science is boring. Plus, I had spotted a plate of cheese pastries on her desk.

"...certain number of eggs begin to mature within tiny sacs called follicles- the follicles produce estrogen-"

Would it be OK if I took a cheese pastry? I wondered. Surely they're out for the patients, right? She wouldn't have a dozen cheese pastries out on her desk just for herself- but is it weird reaching over onto her desk and just grabbing one, especially when she's talking about my vagina?

"-blockage in the male or female reproductive tract can prevent fertilization, or sperm may be unable to swim through the cervical mucus-"

Cheese pastries are so good. But so are croissants. And cinnamon rolls. God, I LOVE cinnamon rolls. I wish they weren't so fattening, though. If they had no calories I swear, I'd have like two a day. Maybe three. Maybe, when I'm pregnant, I COULD eat three a day because I'm supposed to put on weight, right?

"-we would see a sudden increase in the hormone LH- we can pinpoint this surge by testing-"

You know who's super thin right now? Leann Rimes. She looks like Skeletor from He-Man. She could use a cinnamon roll, that's for sure. Ugh, I'd be eating a ton of cinnamon rolls if I was married to Eddie Cibrian- just to ease the depression of the fact that I'm married to Eddie Cibrian. I think he was on that show that got canceled, something about Playboy?

"-are carried away from the epididymis by tubes called vas deferns- the sperm mix with fluids produced by the seminal vesicles and prostate-"

Eww, is she holding up a picture of sperm? Is that a two-HEADED sperm?! That is disgusting. Two heads are definitely not better than one. Would I have a two-headed baby if that thing made it through? Because I don't think they make baby clothes with big enough necklines.

"-you should be aware of the possible side effects. Some of these can result in ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, which will require prompt treatment-"

Necklines this fall are pretty high- everybody seems to be in turtlenecks or those tie neck blouses. I should probably get a tie neck blouse to update my fall wardrobe- maybe after this I could run to the mall and- oh, look...Matthew is taking notes- that's good.....I should probably be taking notes. Meh, but I don't have a pen, or any paper, and also I'm not even listening so how would I even take notes?

"-we can look at that sample in a lab. Adhesions, fibroids, or a uterine septum can be removed with hysteroscopic surgery, with other hormone-"

God, how long is this going to be? I thought this would be less boring. Like maybe they'd have some sample babies out in little top hats to play with? That would be entertaining. Watching Leann Rimes throw herself up would also be entertaining. You know she's doing it- her teeth are looking a little gray. OMG- what if the doctors here miss my uterus and accidentally implant a zygote in my colon? I would have an ass baby. That would-

"Are there any questions?" Dr. Lopez asked, interrupting my thoughts.
"Can I have a cheese pastry?" I asked.