Thursday, December 15, 2011

Dog Sitter

My parents panned their small white dog, Gracie, off on my husband and I while they vacationed in New York for two weeks. So for two weeks we had to dog sit, and Matthew had two bitches on his hands. Only one of us licked their asshole, however.

"Is she licking her butt again?" My husband whined, and I didn't blame him for complaining. We were not handling living with the dog very well. Matthew was tired of constantly taking her outside to pee, feed her, and take her on walks, and I was exhausted from trying to find compassion and kindness inside me in order to care for the small creature.

I get that a lot of people love dogs. The details are fuzzy, but I think it's something about having a best friend to come home to and a cute addition to the annual Christmas card picture. But there are also people out there who are selfish who would rather booze at happy hour then go home and walk a dog. We fall into that second category.

"What?" I asked Gracie nervously. I was on the couch with a glass of white wine and December's InStyle magazine. The dog was sitting in front of me and staring. It was creepy. "Do you....NEED TO GO TO THE RESTROOM?" I said this slowly, like that would help her understand- surely she knew the word 'restroom', right?
I tried to escape to the bedroom, but the dog followed me in there, where I started to panic. Gracie wanted attention, and she wasn't going to stop staring until I gave her some. I mustered the strength.
"Good....doggy..." I said, awkwardly, and patted her on the head. "Nice-doggy..." I petted her again. She licked my hand, which I thought was sweet. And when I say 'sweet', I actually mean gross, because I had to race to the bathroom to wash off the dog saliva. Moments later she had been licking her asshole, for crying out loud.

While I never quite warmed to Gracie, over time I discovered some great uses for her.


1. Dressing her up in a little top hat is fun, although it's also weird.

2. Shaved dog down, used a hot glue gun to attach fur to collar of wool coat. Looks like rabbit.

3. Pillow.

4. Attached fanny pack around the waist of the dog. Used for storage- spare keys, a tool kit, extra tampons.

5. Neighbors view you as 'adorable' when you walk the dog in the snow with your new Ugg boots.

6. Called in a personal day to work and told the boss Gracie was sick. Company understands because, hey, everybody loves dogs.

7. Watching the dog eat her crappy, dried up dog food makes you feel a little better about your crappy, dried up Lean Cuisine.

8. Door Stop.

9. You finally have something in common with your obnoxious co-worker. ("Oh, YOU have a dog? SO DO I! Aren't they swell?")

10. Can't think of a tenth thing.

So this holiday season, please- play with your dog, walk your dog, feed your dog, but- for the love of god, please don't pan your puppy off on Living Shallow, Living Well. I would just prefer to drink my wine in peace without the eyes of an (admittedly adorable) dog staring up at me.

Also, the fur around my wool coat is starting to yellow.


  1. Hope the "living well" thing is working out for you,,,,,,the "living shallow" certainly applies.

    Pay no attention to me........I hate most people but love animals.

  2. Hysterical. I love your blog, been following it for about a year now. why are you not more famous, seriously!!! you are amazing.

  3. Did you know ugg boots sometimes are made of dog? Yep yep yep. I sort of get what you're saying but I WUV PUPPIES SO VEWY VEWY MUCH, because they're so silly. And kind of have a positive attitude somehow. Or at least I think they do?

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